


Heart Songs

by wings_g_leviosa



Series: Heart Songs [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Gaslighting, Attempted Sexual Assault, Attempted Sexual Coercion, Bullying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, F/M, Fem Reddie, Gay Panic, Genderswapped Losers Club (IT), Homosexual slurs, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Prom, all of the chapters are weezer songs, beau is bev, beth is ben, billie is bill, canon typical homophobia, ellie is eddie, everyone is genderbent, i decided to rewrite what i had and reupload so i can make a series out of it, mackenzie is mike, mason is myra, placebos, ruth is richie, samantha is stan, this is a redo of a previous fic of mine by the same name
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:29:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wings_g_leviosa/pseuds/wings_g_leviosa
Summary: If you were to ask Ellie Kaspbrak how she described herself, she would say “aggressively ordinary.”She was a senior in high school, born and raised in Derry. She lived alone with her father. She had a small group of friends and a boyfriend on the football team. An ordinary girl with an ordinary life.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Myra Kaspbrak, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Heart Songs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823749
Comments: 25
Kudos: 88





	1. California Snow

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, this is actually a fic that I had posted about two years ago but have since deleted. I have been spending quarantine rewriting and reworking the story to be better, longer, and able to have a sequel where everyone is in college. This is also a very personal and important story to me. There are some elements to this story that may be triggering, which I will list in the notes at the beginning. I promise I take the subjects very seriously, as they are based off of actual things I have experienced. With that, here are the list of triggering material for this chapter:
> 
> Mason tries to coerse Ellie into a sexual situation, Mason uses subtle guilt and manipulation tactics, mentions of Ellie's dead mother, mentions of Ellie's manipulation by her father, use of the d slur, placebos, brief mention of blood after billie falls off a skateboard
> 
> I hope that you all enjoy this and please leave a like and comment!

_Never go against the family_

_All I ever have to do is sing_

_Never go against the family_

_When the root is strong, the fruit is sweet_

_Did you ever get to be a child?_

_Shake it up until it hurts?_

_Panic attack, stay the hell back_

_It's me and you against the world_

_\- California Snow by Weezer_

If you were to ask Ellie Kaspbrak how she described herself, she would say “aggressively ordinary.”

She was a senior in high school, born and raised in Derry. She lived alone with her father. She had a small group of friends and a boyfriend on the football team. An ordinary girl with an ordinary life. 

It was Monday morning before school. Ellie looked at herself in the mirror. A bit of mascara had gathered under her eye in her haste to get ready. Makeup was definitely not her strong suit; that was Samantha’s thing. She leaned against the vanity table, licking her thumb and giving one last half-hearted stroke before giving up. Suddenly, the table vibrated and her eyes drifted to her phone beside her, where it lit up with a text.

 **Ruth:** _dude you won’t believe what happened_

 **Ellie:** you learned how to actually be funny for once? 

Ruth didn’t dignify her with a written response. Instead, she sent a single image. 

It was Ruth kneeling next to a bright orange monstrosity on wheels, the paint sunbleached and peeling in places. One of the wheels was missing a hubcap. There was a long crack running across the length of the windshield. Finally, squatting near the front tire, was Ruth. Her curly, bobbed hair was pulled away from her face, large wire-framed glasses sitting on the end of her upturned nose. Her mouth was drawn into a mock-serious line, and dangling from her fingers were the keys. 

Ellie recognized the car immediately; Ruth had been saving her earnings from working at the Aladdin throughout the school year in order to buy it.

Ellie just stared for a moment, taking in the sight before her. It was a long moment before she finally found it in her to respond. 

**Ellie:** congrats on obtaining that death trap

 **Ruth:** _i love bessie she’s my most prized possession_

Ellie rolled her eyes so hard that it hurt. 

**Ellie:** good luck getting me into that thing

 **Ruth:** _that’s actually why im texting you_

 **Ruth:** _i was gonna ask if you wanted me to give you rides to school since i live closer to you than mason_

Ellie just stared at Ruth’s words. Mason, Ellie’s boyfriend, had been giving her rides to school since they had started dating. She used to just ride her bike with Ruth, but both Mason and her dad expressed worry that she would get hit by a car or abducted. 

Ellie struggled to admit it, but she missed hanging out with Ruth and the rest of the Losers Club, the name of their rag-tag group. Dating Mason meant that most of her free time was spent with him, and he hated being blown off for her friends. He often expressed his dislike of them, especially Ruth. 

Ellie looked back at the picture that Ruth had sent, a small, secretive smile playing on her lips. Ruth, with her wild hair and bright eyes and a mouth that never seemed to close. Ellie missed her like a limb. 

She didn’t hesitate to type her response. 

**Ellie:** that sounds great actually i’ll let mason know

 **Ruth:** _:D_

Ellie slid her phone into the front pocket of her overalls. She looked at herself once more in the mirror, ruffling her brown hair as though that would encourage it to behave. She pulled on her Keds, padding gently down the stairs to the kitchen. 

Downstairs, her father sat in his recliner while the morning news nattered on in the background. 

“Do you have your inhaler?” he asked, swivelling his head to look her up and down. Ellie felt as though she was being inspected. 

“Yes, of course.”

“Good. Make sure to take your medicine, it’s on the counter.”

He gestured to the kitchen, where a small pile of medication sat, like always. Ellie had been taking medication for a laundry list of illnesses for as long as she could remember. 

Her mother had been very sick before she died. Ellie liked to think of her as a beautiful, happy person, like how she was in pictures around the house. However, the memories Ellie had with her mother were in a hospital room, where her mom lay in a bed with sunken cheeks, tubes and wires around her body.

It’s no wonder that Ellie’s dad was so worried about her getting sick. 

She stared down at the pills. She hadn’t been taking them for a while. 

Ellie had gone into her father’s room to find aspirin. Instead, she discovered her medical records, sitting in a folder on the desk in the corner. He must have been adding a prescription renewal or something. Still, Ellie’s curiosity had peaked enough for her to open the folder. She would have never expected to see sheet after sheet stating that there was nothing wrong with her; no allergies, no illnesses, no ailments. Ellie hastily replaced the folder, heart beating against her ribs. 

It took several days for her newfound knowledge to sink in, but it was another week before she stopped taking her medication. Ellie waited another week before she finally told her friends what had happened.

Now, she carefully placed the pills under her tongue, keeping them there as she took a swallow of water. She then quickly shrugged on her backpack, walked over to her father to give him a peck on the cheek, and walked out the door to wait for her ride. 

Ellie looked around her, then spit out the pills in her hand. She leaned down behind the bushes next to the porch steps, dug a shallow hole into the dirt, and buried the medicine. If she dug around long enough, she would find the pills from the day before, or possibly even from the previous week. 

She checked the time on her phone. It read 7:45; Mason would be there any minute to pick her up like he did every morning. 

Ellie had no idea how she was supposed to tell him that Ruth was going to start giving her rides. He wasn’t going to be very happy about it. 

She heard the sound of Mason’s car pulling around the corner and onto her street. Ellie stood up, brushed the leftover dirt off her nails, and steeled herself to get into the car. 

Mason greeted her with a wet kiss to the cheek, which Ellie discreetly wiped away.

“Did you take your meds?” Mason asked, moving the car forward. Ellie’s hand flew to the ring she wore on her right pinkie, twisting it around. Ruth had bought it for her 16th birthday to replace the cheap cereal box ring she wore as a child. It was probably the most thoughtful gift someone had ever bought her. 

“Yeah, of course I did.”

“Good.” He placed a hand on her thigh, rubbing it with his thumb. Ellie’s skin prickled uncomfortably under his touch, but she ignored it. It wasn’t worth the trouble. 

“So… I, uh, wanted to ask you something?” Ellie said, her throat constricting slightly. 

Mason grunted in acknowledgement.

“Well, I got a text this morning. And you don’t have to give me rides anymore.”

Ellie suddenly lurched forward as Mason screeched to a halt, bracing her hands against the dashboard. He turned to look at her with an unplaceable look in his eyes. 

“Wait, what? You got a text from who? What do you mean I’m not giving you rides anymore?”

He moved his hand from her thigh, and Ellie resisted the urge to sigh in relief. 

“Um, Ruth got a car? She asked me this morning if she can start giving me rides, and I said yes.”

Mason blinked at her, then turned back to face the windshield.

“I don’t understand what’s so bad about me giving you rides all of a sudden.”

Ellie paled. “Wh- Nothing! There’s nothing wrong with it, I just-”

“You just what, Ellie? Y’know, that’s something that I just don’t understand. Why do you still hang out with that loser? Huh?”

Ellie’s throat constricted tighter. She placed a hand over the outline of her inhaler in her pocket as Mason pulled into the high school parking lot. 

“She’s my best friend,” she said, barely above a whisper. 

The car pulled to a stop. Mason turned to look at Ellie. She felt like she had been shoved under a microscope.

“Y’know what, fine. If you want people to think you’re a dyke because you hang around Ruth fucking Tozier, be my guest.”

Ellie stared down at her hands, focusing on her breathing. When did her throat get so tight? She heard Mason sigh. 

“Look, I don’t like it when you make me yell at you. I just worry about something happening to you, okay?” He said, pulling her face to look at him. 

Mason said that a lot. Ellie was never sure what that “something” could possibly be. 

“Okay. I have to get to class,” she responded quietly. She turned to open the door but was stopped again by Mason.

“Forgetting something?”

Ellie sighed and placed a chaste kiss to Mason’s cheek, then stepped out of the car.

As she strode away, she pulled her inhaler out of her pocket and took a deep puff. She knew that her inhaler wasn’t real, but she wasn’t in the mood to have an anxiety attack that morning. 

The parking lot was filled to the brim with students and shitty cars. Ellie kept her eyes on the ground, gripping the straps of her backpack as strangers hollered all around her. She only looked up when she heard the characteristic bark of her friends’ laugh.

Her anxiety suddenly dissolved, and she couldn’t help but smile a little. 

They all stood around Ruth’s new car, which was even worse in person. Billie Denbrough was making a valiant effort to let loose with a string of cuss words from her place on the ground. Closer inspection showed a hole torn in the knee of her jeans, with blood dripping weakly from the wound. Her trusty skateboard lay upended a few feet away. Instead of helping their friend, Ruth was laughing so hard she was nearly bent in half, black hair falling over her face.The other losers stood around in a shell-shocked state, unsure of whether to help Billie or laugh along with Ruth. 

They all seemed to make up their minds the closer that Ellie got. 

Beth rushed to check Billie’s knee, and Mackenzie followed with a chuckle. Beau held out a hand, which Billie used to hoist herself to her feet. Samantha stayed firmly in place, arms crossed with a stern look and secret smile in her eyes. Ruth was practically on the ground herself, Ellie’s shadow reaching across her as she approached.

“Ruth, you fucking idiot, what did you do this time?” Ellie asked, already rummaging through her bag for a band-aid.

“Our darling Billie Jean can’t even do a kickflip without busting her ass,” Ruth said she caught her breath.

“I c-c-can t-t-too, you a-a-a-fuck. I d-did this m-morning.”

Ellie shook her head, leaning down to press a bandage over the wound. If she’d been home, she would have dowsed it in hydrogen peroxide and used real gauze, but this would have to do. 

“Thanks E-ellie,” Billie said. Ellie nodded, helping Billie to her feet.

Suddenly, the bell rang across campus. The losers started bidding farewell to each other. Ellie waved them off and adjusted her backpack. She was suddenly startled by a hand on her shoulder.

“Woah, a little jumpy there, El,” Ruth said, walking beside Ellie. Her smile was nearly blinding.

“Yeah, sorry, rough morning.” 

Ruth’s smile changed to something akin to concern. Ellie hated it.

“Is it your dad? Did he say something?”

“No, Ruth. Just leave it alone.” 

Ruth looked slightly taken aback, and Ellie was immediately sorry.

“Sorry, I got into a bit of an argument with Mason. He’s cool with you giving me rides now, though.” 

Ruth gave Ellie a peculiar sort of smile. Was it pity? Happiness? Worry? 

“Well, good. Bessie only has a tape deck, so I’ve decided to kick it old school and start making tapes. You can help me make some super sick playlists.”

“You do realize they sell Bluetooth things that connect to the radio, right?”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Ruth laughed a little, and a warm fuzzy feeling rose in Ellie’s stomach. 

“So, we’re headed to the quarry today after school, since it’s getting warm and all. Are you coming with us?”

Ellie wanted to, desperately. But she thought about her fight with Mason that morning. He usually wanted to hang out with her after school. She was unsure if he’d be okay with her blowing him off after her stunt that morning.

“I dunno. I guess I’ll see how much homework I have.” It was the same response she used every time the losers asked her to do something that Mason would probably get upset about. 

“Oh, okay. Just let me know.” If Ruth was upset, she hid it surprisingly well.

“I will, I promise,” Ellie said, placing a gentle hand on Ruth’s arm. She smiled a little, praying that Ruth somehow knew that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with Ellie being a coward. 

Luckily, Ruth smiled back and slung her arm casually around Ellie’s shoulder as they headed off to class. 

-

Ellie had never dated anyone before Mason. She’d never really felt the need, and she’d assumed her father would be pretty strict on that front anyway. As it turned out, he didn’t really mind as long as it was someone he picked for her. 

Mason was the son of one of her father’s friends from church. He’d been going religiously ever since Ellie’s mother died, and had accrued friends who expressed passive gestures of sympathy toward the widower, just like Mason’s parents. 

They met on a random Sunday during the summer before the school year. Ellie could usually beg off going to church during the school year with the excuse of homework, but never during the summer. Both of their parents had seemed eager for them to meet, and Ellie could immediately tell that she was being set up. She recognized Mason from school. He was in her class and played football. He was the sort of guy who barely coasted by in classes and would probably coast along for the rest of his life. 

Ellie was decidedly neutral toward him.

But then, the rest of the summer happened. Suddenly, Ellie wasn’t so sure who she was or what she wanted.

So when Mason asked her to be his girlfriend the week before school started, she said yes. It couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, there were a lot of things about dating Mason that Ellie hadn’t anticipated. For one, she found football incredibly dull, yet she was expected to go to every game. She used to bring the losers with her, but Mason complained that she focused too much on them and not enough on him. Also, Bowers was always there, and nobody really felt like dealing with her torment. 

Second, she wasn’t expecting the amount of time that went into having a boyfriend. Mason always wanted to hang out during lunch, or after school, or on the weekends. So now, a majority of the time Ellie had reserved for the losers went to Mason. There had been a few times Ellie had tried to hang out with the losers after school, but Mason always got so upset that Ellie just dropped it.

Lastly, the concept of Mason kissing and touching her hadn’t crossed her mind when she agreed to date him. And to say that he wanted to kiss and touch her a lot would be an understatement. The thing was, Ellie didn’t particularly like kissing Mason. She struggled with anyone who wasn’t the losers touching her at all, actually. It made her supremely uncomfortable. 

Ellie thought of this as she sat in Mason’s car after school, his tongue making a valiant attempt to fight her tonsils.

She felt supremely uncomfortable.

Mason, on the other hand, was having a great time. He pushed Ellie further and further into the seat as he grew more eager. His hand was wrapped loosely around her thigh. 

Ellie’s eyes opened, trying to look at the time and pretend she was interested in kissing. It was 3:24, and school had ended nearly thirty minutes ago. The losers had all surely left to go to the quarry by then. 

Just then, as if someone read her mind, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She slowly reached her hand into her pocket to pull the phone out and held it behind Mason. The message was from Samantha, saying that she needed to get to the quarry ASAP. Apparently, Ruth was pretty upset that Ellie was once again a no-show.

Ellie quickly forgot about Samantha’s message when the hand on her thigh moved to cup her breast. Her mind suddenly lit up with flashing lights and sirens, blaring out DANGER DANGER DANGER. She quickly pulled away from Mason, placing a gentle hand on his chest to keep him from moving forward.

“Ha, whoa there, dude. You’re getting a little close there,” Ellie said, trying to sound nonchalant. 

“What do you mean? I thought you liked that.”

Ellie had never said she wanted Mason to touch her boob. 

“I mean, don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast here?”

Mason looked at her with a bewildered expression.

“Fast? We’ve been dating for eight months, Ellie.”

Ellie shifted in her seat, facing the dashboard as she crossed her arms across her chest. 

“So?”

Mason reached over, fiddling with the catch on her overalls. 

“Come on, babe, don’t be so uptight.” He leaned close to whisper in her ear. “I think you look really hot today.”

The color drained out of Ellie’s face. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, thick and heavy like tar.

Ellie needed to get out.

She knew what she had to do, and she wasn’t proud of it.

She exhaled deeply, then began hyperventilating as fast as she could.

“Whoa, babe, what’s happening?”

“Asthma attack,” she squeaked, wrestling her inhaler out of her pocket. She took a deep puff, staring out the windshield at the empty school parking lot.

She slowed her breathing.

Mason awkwardly patted her on the shoulder.

“Sorry. I think I’m just gonna head home to rest if that’s okay?” she says after a while, nearly a whisper. Her grip on her inhaler was so tight that her knuckles turned white. Her ring stood stark against her pale finger. 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll drive you.”

“Actually, I’ll just walk. The fresh air will do me good.”

Mason looked skeptical, but Ellie was already grabbing her bag and opening the door. 

“Hey, I’m still coming over for dinner tomorrow, right?” Mason asked, leaning in to look at her through the open car door.

Ellie nodded, gave a curt smile and wave, then shut the door with a bang.

She started her trek across the parking lot, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She pulled up her message with Samantha.

 **Sam:** _She won’t say it, but Ruth is pretty upset that you aren’t here_

Ellie smiled to herself.

 **Ellie:** tell her im on my way

Ellie made sure she was far enough that Mason couldn’t see her, then broke into a sprint. The air was beginning to warm, spring chill giving way to summer heat. The end of senior year was rapidly approaching. The fleeting taste of freedom spurred Ellie on as she raced toward the quarry.


	2. El Scorcho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruth wasn’t in a fantastic mood. 
> 
> By all accounts, she should have been. The Derry air was just beginning to warm up, and she was surrounded by her friends at the quarry. They had driven there in her new (well, new to her, anyway) car. The murky water below shone bottle green. 
> 
> Yet, she couldn’t stop checking her phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the positive feedback! It really means a lot to hear such amazing things from you guys. This chapter is pretty tame, but here's some warnings just in case:
> 
> teenagers undressing with the intent to go swimming, implied internalized homophobia, non graphic description of Ellie's arm breaking 
> 
> Also a huge thank you to my betas femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie. Please go give their stuff a read!

_But you won't talk, won't look, won't think of me_

_I'm the epitome of public enemy_

_Why you wanna go and do me like that?_

_Come down on the street and dance with me_

_I'm a lot like you, so please_

_Hello, I'm here, I'm waiting_

_I think I'd be good for you_

_And you'd be good for me_

_\- El Scorcho by Weezer_

Ruth wasn’t in a fantastic mood. 

By all accounts, she should have been. The Derry air was just beginning to warm up, and she was surrounded by her friends at the quarry. They had driven there in her new (well, new to her, anyway) car. The murky water below shone bottle green. 

Yet, she couldn’t stop checking her phone. 

Billie and Mackenzie were already stripped down to their underwear, clothes in a haphazard pile. They were laughing about something, but it was all white noise to Ruth. She thumbed through her previous texts with Ellie, as though looking at them would make her respond. 

“What’s with the wait, Trashmouth?” Beau asked, shucking his jeans and throwing them into the rapidly growing pile. 

Ruth rolled her eyes, putting her phone in her pocket and pulling her shirt over her head. “Saving myself. You wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off me without my shell.”

“Yeah, ‘cause visible ribs really get me going.”

Ruth gave him a playful shove, a smile playing on her lips. Ruth watched him walk over to Beth, saying something that made her laugh and blush. Ruth rolled her eyes and adjusted her sports bra. 

“No word from Ellie?” Samantha asked suddenly, coming up to Ruth’s side.

Ruth scoffed as she toed off her shoes and tugged her pants down. 

“Take a wild guess. If you guessed no, then congratulations, you’re the winner!” She punctuated her point by performing sarcastic jazz hands. Samantha sighed and bent down to start folding Ruth’s clothes.

“I know, I was just trying to be polite.”

Silence fell over them, only broken by the splash of their friends in the water below. 

Ruth pinched the bridge of her nose. “Is it me? Did I do something?”

“Of course not, don’t be stupid. It obviously has everything to do with Mason and her dad.”

Ruth wanted to believe her, but the sting of doubt was present in her mind. 

“What do I do, Sammy?”

Samantha placed Ruth’s clothes on a rock and kicked off her flats.

“You’re doing everything you can at this point. You’re being a better friend than most others would be. I know she won’t come out and say it, but a good friend is what she needs right now.”

A heavy feeling panged against Ruth’s stomach, like a river stone falling into a pond. She and Ellie were best friends, and they always had been. Yet, Ruth wasn’t sure she’d feel this way if any of the other losers treated her like this. 

“Yeah, a friend…”

Samantha just gave her a sad smile. Ruth had the sneaking suspicion she knew exactly what that sentence really meant. Samantha folded the last of her clothes, grabbed Ruth’s hand, and pulled her toward the cliff’s edge. They could hear the sounds of their friends in the water below, splashing and hollering. 

“Come on, we better get down there before they start yelling at us.” Samantha gently stroked Ruth’s hand. Ruth gave a tentative smile, nodded, and rushed in for a hug.

“I really appreciate you, Sammy. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do, dumbass. Now come on, I’m getting sweaty.” 

She patted Ruth’s cheek, then ran and jumped into the quarry below.

Ruth smiled and planned to do the same when a voice behind her made her pause.

“WAIT! I’M COMING!”

Ruth turned to see Ellie running through the trees, hair wild and stuck to her face. She stopped in front of Ruth, bracing herself on her knees and panting.

“What the hell, did you run here?”

Ellie nods, finally starting to catch her breath. “Sorry I’m late, I got away as soon as I could,” she said, undoing the clasps on her overalls. They were the ones with the flower applique on the hip. 

Ruth remembered the day that she, Ellie, and Mackenzie had gone to Ruth’s house to iron some patches she’d found onto a jacket. Ellie saw the flower patch and immediately lit up. Ruth made Mackenzie iron them onto the overalls Ellie was wearing now. 

“I, uh… I didn’t think you were going to show up.”

Ellie didn’t make eye contact, tugging on her shirt sleeve. 

“Yeah, Mason wanted to hang out, but I managed to get away.”

She finally looked up at Ruth.The look in Ellie’s brown eyes showed that she was sorry. They were almost pleading. Ruth’s chest panged, and she placed her hands on Ellie’s upper arms.

“Is everything okay?”

Ellie exhaled, collapsing a little.

“Yeah, it’s just been a long day. Mason and I got into a fight this morning. It’s fine though, I think he’s over it now.” She wouldn’t look Ruth in the eye.

“Are you su—”

Ellie suddenly jerked away. “I’m fine, Ruth. Just leave it alone.” She pulled off her shirt and walked towards the edge. 

“Sorry, I guess. I don’t get to spend much time with you these days, I figured I’d check on you,” Ruth said, crossing her arms. She ignored the clenching in her heart.

“Well, I’m here now, aren’t I? Isn’t that enough?” 

_No. It’s not enough. It’s never been enough. I’ll always want more. I’ll always—_

Ruth kept her mouth firmly shut.

Ellie looked away, clenched her fists, and jumped into the water below. 

-

“W-what’s wrong? You’ve been a-acting weird all day.”

Ruth was sitting on the sidewalk in front of her house, feet resting on her longboard. Billie was on her own board in front of her, trying and failing to do an ollie. Her long, auburn hair was still drying from their dip in the quarry earlier. Ruth’s own curls had dried uncomfortably against the back of her neck. The sun was beginning to sink low in the sky, turning it into an orange-yellow gradient. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit. This is about Ellie, isn’t it?”

Ruth’s throat clenched. Billie never stuttered when she was serious about something. She stood in front of Ruth, her blue eyes burning with suspicion. 

“It’s really none of your business, Billie.”

Billie raised an eyebrow; she’d never been good with words, but she’d never really needed them. She sat down and placed a hand on Ruth’s shoulder. 

“What’s wrong with me? Did I do something wrong?”

“Of c-course not.”

“She’s obviously unhappy, but she won’t talk to anyone about it. Not even me. She usually tells me everything.”

“W-we’re all worried a-about her, Ruth.”

Ruth sat up, pulling her knees in and wrapping her arms around them. She stared down at the asphalt, tracing the cracks in the road with her eyes. 

“You know she’s straight, right?”

Ruth scoffed, willing the sting in her eyes to go away.

“Yeah, I know that. Doesn’t make this any easier.” 

Billie just gave her a sympathetic look, and wrapped a gentle arm around her shoulders. Ruth didn’t hesitate before smashing her face into her friend's shoulder, letting out a dramatic sigh. Billie laughed and patted her on the back.

“You’ll make it t-through. Take it f-from me, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll believe it when you finally talk to Mackenzie.”

“H-h-hey, I’m w-working on it.”

Ruth snorted, a smile finally breaking through. 

They sat like that, watching the sun sink below the horizon, but her brain didn’t stop spinning. Ruth tried to put her thoughts on the back burner while she spent the evening with her parents, but they only got louder. She felt like her whole body was screaming by the time she got ready for bed. 

Ruth stared at herself in her bathroom’s mirror. The dark circles under her eyes looked especially stark in the fluorescent light, evidence of the recent string of sleepless nights. 

More often than not, Ruth found herself lying awake at night, thinking about Ellie. She felt incredibly selfish for it. Ellie had the right to date whoever she wanted, even if that person was Mason. 

Mason, who hated Ruth and the rest of their friends for whatever reason. Mason, who Ruth knew in her heart, was cut from the same cloth as Ellie’s father. Manipulative, controlling, keen on snuffing out any light that lived in Ellie’s eyes. 

There had been an awful week during the summer before eighth grade, where Ellie wasn’t allowed to see anyone after breaking her arm. The losers had a run-in with Bowers at the barrens and escaped into the old well house on Neibolt street for safety. Unfortunately, the house was old, and Ellie fell through the floor from the second story onto a table down below. The impact had broken her radius in half. Her father had been furious when they brought her home, vowing to never let Ellie come near any of them ever again. 

Of course, Ellie was strong-willed, and after a loud argument, told her dad that he couldn’t keep her from seeing her friends. 

Ruth missed that Ellie. She missed the girl with fire in her eyes, who could dish it as hard as she got it. The girl raised to be so full of fear, yet stood up for herself and her friends. The girl who could be tougher and braver than any guy, and more careful and loving than anyone. 

Ruth hated Mason because ever since they started dating, Ellie had seemed smaller. She shrunk away from the losers’ shenanigans, didn’t speak up as much, and made excuses to stay away from everyone. To stay away from Ruth.

It hurt worse than a punch to the gut. 

Ruth scrubbed a hand over her face, pulling her bangs away from where they stuck after her shower. Her hair had been long for ages before that summer.

She’d been trying to teach Ellie how to skate one day, which ended with them just lazing under the shade of the tree in Ruth’s front yard. It had been an unusually hot and humid summer, and Ruth’s dark curls held onto every degree of heat. She could feel sweat sticking to her scalp and trickling down her brow. She should have had more water or something. 

“Dude, it’s fucking hot,” Ruth complained, flopping dramatically onto the grass. 

“Duh, it’s summer, idiot. That’s what happens,” Ellie said, sitting on one of the exposed tree roots, keeping her legs from touching the grass. They both knew she wasn’t actually allergic to grass, but Ellie was a creature of habit. She had a large band-aid on her knee, hiding the angry red scrape she’d gotten from falling off of Ruth’s longboard. Her brown hair was tied back into a ponytail, shining like gold in the sun.

Ruth couldn’t bring herself to look away. 

“I should cut my hair,” she said suddenly, trying to distract herself from the dangerous thoughts brewing in her mind. 

“Excuse me, what?”

“Cut my hair. It’s hot, I’m bored, I want to cut my hair.”

“Wait, right now?”

Ruth hopped up to stand in front of Ellie. “Yeah, why not? Plenty of people on the internet have done it, why can’t I?”

Ellie scoffed. “Because it’s a bad idea, and you’re going to regret it?”

“I won’t regret it, scouts honor.” She held out her hand to help Ellie up.

“Y’know, people only cut their hair when they’re having a crisis,” she said, accepting Ruth’s hand. Their touch lingered for a moment before letting go. 

“I am not having a crisis. Are you coming or not?”

Ellie rolled her eyes but followed Ruth into the house. Not ten minutes later, they stood in front of the mirror, Ruth in her bra, holding a pair of scissors, Ellie chewing on her thumbnail in worry.

“Are you seriously about to do this?” she asked, almost in a whisper.

“I guess so.” Ruth grabbed a section of hair, raising the scissors. She sucked in a breath and closed her eyes.

“Stop! What the hell are you doing?” Ellie yelped suddenly, snatching the scissors out of Ruth’s hands. 

“Uh, cutting my hair?”

“You can’t close your eyes, stupid.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, as her eyebrows knitted together. Ruth resisted the urge to rub the tension away. “Look, I’ll just do it for you.”

“What? Do you even know how to cut hair?”

“Technically no, but how hard can it be? Also, I can get to the back easier.”

That was true. Paired with Ellie’s natural perfectionist streak and determination meant that it was probably best for her to do it. Never mind that Ruth would trust her with just about anything. 

Ellie instructed Ruth to straddle the toilet seat and stood behind her. She sectioned off the long, dark curls, gingerly twisting and clipping them to the top of Ruth’s head.

“I think this is how they do it at the hairdressers, but it’s been a while, so bear with me.”

“Hey, my trust is in your hands, El.”

“Don’t call me that. You don’t want to piss off the person holding the scissors.”

Ruth pretended to zip her mouth shut, turning so Ellie could see. Ellie rolled her eyes and playfully swatted the back of Ruth’s head. Ruth felt Ellie grab a section of hair, measure with her fingers, and the slow snip with the scissors.

Ruth made sure to sit as still as possible, watching her hair fall to the floor around her. The skin on her neck prickled where Ellie brushed it with her fingers, humming quietly under her breath while she worked. Ruth listened intently, trying to commit the sound to memory. It felt like both an eternity and no time at all when Ellie told her to turn around so she could cut the front. Ruth turned, looking down at the floor. Her dark hair covered the ground.

“Here, let me see these.” Ellie gingerly pulled Ruth’s glasses off her face, putting them on the counter. She went back to work, and although Ruth’s vision was blurry, she could tell that Ellie’s tongue was poking between her teeth in concentration. The sight made something in Ruth’s stomach flutter, and she closed her eyes, sighing. _What the hell is the matter with me?_

She heard Ellie move to kneel in front of her, making sure the front bits were even. Ellie’s warm breath tickled her cheeks, and Ruth cracked open an eye. 

“So, on a scale of Ramona Flowers to Lord Farquaad, how bad is it?” she asked, willing her voice to remain even. Ellie laughed, tucking a bit of hair behind Ruth’s ear. 

“Not to pat myself on the back, but you actually look pretty cute.”

Warmth flooded Ruth’s cheeks. “Aww, you’re just sayin’ that.”

Ruth expected Ellie to quip back, but instead, she felt a warm hand press her cheek. Ellie was so close that Ruth could see her face, and it was full of uncertainty. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife, and Ruth felt herself leaning into it. She could have sworn Ellie was too.

But then Ellie’s phone chimed, and the moment shattered.

“That’s probably my dad.”

Ruth just nodded dumbly. 

Ellie stood, brushing the hair off her legs. “I should go. Thanks for the skating lesson.”

Ruth opened her mouth to say something, but she felt like she was stuck in slow motion. She watched Ellie spin on her heel and run down the stairs. Then, she heard the front door shut. Numbly, Ruth raised her fingers to where Ellie’s hand had been only moments before. She felt like she’d been branded. 

A small, stupid part of her had hoped that maybe something like that would happen again.

But the next time she heard from Ellie, she’d been asked out by Mason.

Ruth looked at the toilet, as though the memory would disappear if she stared hard enough. Tears began stinging the corners of her eyes, and she hastily wiped them. Why was Ellie like this? Just as soon as Ruth thought she was making some sort of breakthrough, everything shattered. Was it her? Did she unknowingly do something to deserve this?

Tears slipped down her cheeks, splashing her hands where they rested on the countertop. 

Ruth looked at herself again in the mirror, sniffling and wiping away at her face with the heel of her hand.

She prayed to whoever was listening that this would be over soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and a comment if you liked this! You can find me at tumblr and twitter at reddieonwheels


	3. QB Blitz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samantha made a beeline for their table, ignoring the librarian’s protests about running in the library. “Guys, come quick!” 
> 
> “Sam, what’s going on?” Mackenzie asked, standing up. 
> 
> “It’s Ruth, she’s in trouble.”
> 
> A familiar unsettled feeling rose in Ellie’s stomach. “Bowers,” she murmured, getting up and nearly sprinting out the door. Samantha followed close behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys again so much for reading and leaving comments. Your word are what keep me going in these trying times. This chapter is a pretty heavy one, so I'll jump right into warnings:
> 
> non graphic violence, use of the f slur, use of the d slur, violent bullying, mentions of injury (blood, bruises, etc.), patching up of said wounds, manipulative language toward someone to try and convince them to have sex, mentions of sex and not wanting to have sex, masturbation, panic attacks
> 
> If you guys catch anything else please let me know!
> 
> And, of course, a very special thank you to my betas femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie. Please give their stuff a read, heaven knows they deserve it. Thank you again for reading and please leave kudos and a comment if you enjoy this fic!

_All of my conversations die a painful death you see_

_I can't get anyone to do algebra with me_

_It's hard to make real friends, my friends have lots of friends_

_I don't hang out enough, take drugs and learn to love_

_This intercom is broken into pieces_

_I gotta call my QB Blitz, B Blitz_

_Out on the ice fields of Hoth, I'll be_

_I'll be missing you like oxygen_

_\- QB Blitz by Weezer_

While the losers were a group of deeply individual people, they had several running similarities between each of the members. They all loved watching old horror movie reruns at the Aladdin. They all drank too much iced coffee. They had been bullied all their lives, and they banded together because of it. And they all hated physics.

Ellie found herself in the library after school with Mackenzie and Beth, studying for the physics test they had at the end of the week. Their teacher, Ms. Green, was a wretched woman who couldn’t teach out of a paper bag, and her tests were always obscenely difficult. 

Ellie stared at her textbook. She’d been distracted all day. 

Prom was approaching at the end of the week, and the air was heady with it. Everyone was scrambling at the last minute to find a date, and posters covered the wall, encouraging students to vote for prom court. Ellie was going with Mason; he’d asked her offhandedly several weeks ago, and she already had her dress hanging in her closet. 

Admittedly, she wasn’t particularly excited about the event. The idea of being in a poorly decorated gym, full of sweaty teens wearing uncomfortable formal wear did not sound fun. At least last year, all the losers had gone together. This year would be so different without them.

She remembered dancing with Ruth, laughing together at the couples swaying around them. It was as though nobody else existed in the gym except them, spinning under strobing lights.

Things between them had become stilted since then. Even that morning, on the way to school, Ruth had been uncharacteristically quiet. Was it because of what Ellie said at the quarry the other day? 

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of shrieking. Mackenzie, Ellie, and Beth turned to look at the noise—a girl leaped into the arms of some guy holding a poster. To Ellie’s continued annoyance, the librarian didn’t even bother to shush them. 

“Ugh, another fucking promposal,” she grumbled, turning back to her notes.

“I think it’s sort of sweet,” Beth said, gazing at the couple.

“You’re only saying that because Beau finally grew some balls and asked you out,” Mackenzie says, nudging Beth with her elbow. 

A sinking feeling hit Ellie’s stomach. “Since when are you going to prom with Beau?” She asked. 

Mackenzie and Beth looked at each other. “Well… he asked me at movie night,” Beth said, fidgeting in her seat. The sinking feeling quickly turned into guilt. The losers had movie night every Saturday for as long as anyone could remember, but Ellie had missed it this past week because she had dinner with Mason and his parents. In fact, she missed the last several. 

“Oh, well… congrats.” Ellie stared at her notes, gripping her pencil until she heard the plastic crack. 

“Aren’t you going with Mason?” Mackenzie asked.

“Yup.”

“Shit, don’t sound so excited.”

“I’m plenty excited,” Ellie said, louder than necessary. Mackenzie gave her a look. Ellie rested her chin on her palm, avoiding eye contact. She didn’t come here to be scrutinized about her relationship. 

Suddenly, Ellie heard the sound of someone running. She looked up to see Samantha, her usually put together demeanor ruffled. Her button-up shirt was untucked from her khaki shorts, and she wasn’t wearing the headband she had been earlier. 

Samantha made a beeline for their table, ignoring the librarian’s protests about running in the library. “Guys, come quick!” 

“Sam, what’s going on?” Mackenzie asked, standing up. 

“It’s Ruth, she’s in trouble.”

A familiar unsettled feeling rose in Ellie’s stomach. “Bowers,” she murmured, getting up and nearly sprinting out the door. Samantha followed close behind.

As soon as Ellie made it outside, she saw exactly what Samantha was talking about. Heather Bowers, the bane of the losers’ existence, was kneeling on the ground over someone, beating the absolute shit out of them. Her lackeys hung around them, laughing. Sure enough, Ruth was lying on the ground, making a valiant attempt to fight back. Blood was smeared across her cheek. Ellie tried to push her way toward Ruth, but she was stopped by Victoria Criss and Patty Hockstetter. 

“Get away from her!” Ellie screamed, trying to wrestle away so she could get to Ruth’s side. Samantha scrabbled at Ellie’s shoulders, attempting to free her, but she was grabbed as well. Ellie kept yelling to let her friends go. Heather turned to look at her, mirth swimming in her eyes. 

“Look at that Tozier, your little faggot girlfriend is here to save you,” she said, getting up and gripping Ellie’s face. “Looks like I’ll have to beat some sense into her too.”

Ruth groaned in protest from her place on the ground, curled into a fetal position. Heather moved to hit Ellie, when a yell caused everyone to turn.

“Heather Bowers, stop it right now, or I will call your mother!” the librarian shouted from the entrance. Beth and Mackenzie squeezed around her to run to Ruth.

“Shit, let’s go,” Victoria said. They released Ellie and Samantha, booking it toward the car. 

Ruth groaned, trying to sit up. Ellie rushed to her side, tenderly grabbing her face to look at her wounds. 

“I’m so lucky, I had the one and only Ellie Kaspbrak come to my rescue. I’m swooning,” Ruth croaked, putting the back of her hand to her forehead. She winced with the movement. 

“Let’s get you to the bathroom. Where are your glasses?” Ellie asked, gently rubbing a smear of dirt from above Ruth’s eyebrow. 

Ruth pulled them out of her shirt pocket and handed them over. “I didn’t want them to get broken.”

Ellie tucked the glasses’ arm into her shirt collar. Her heart ached as she looked at her friend’s injuries. Beth and Mackenzie helped them stand, while Samantha swooped in to support Ruth. They clamored back to the library and toward the girls’ restroom. Ellie rushed back to their table, grabbing her backpack. 

The bathroom was one room, and therefore tiny, especially when full of teenage girls. “I’ve got it from here, guys. Give us some room?” Ellie asked, pushing her way toward the sink. 

The group murmured in agreement, shuffling back out the door, looking sympathetically at Ruth. She was sitting on the counter, staring at the floor and holding a tissue to her lip.

The silence between them was palpable. Ellie swallowed nervously, focusing on wrestling her first aid kit from the bottom of her bag. She finally got it and set the box on the counter, popping it open and pulling out an alcohol wipe. 

Ellie went to pull her hair back, and she heard Ruth say something behind her. 

“Huh? Did you say something?” she said, tightening her ponytail. 

Ruth looked up, not looking at Ellie. “I’m sorry.”

Ellie was taken aback for a moment before tearing open the wipe and standing in between Ruth’s legs. 

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Ellie tilted Ruth’s head up, pulling the tissue away from her mouth. She had a nasty split lip, presumably where the smear of blood came from. A bruise was beginning to bloom on her cheekbone, dangerously near her eye. Her nose was swollen, but it didn’t look broken. Ellie looked down and saw that the skin on Ruth’s knuckles was bleeding and starting to bruise a dark purple. 

Ruth shifted uncomfortably, finally looking her in the eye. “I’m the one that started it. Well, the physical part anyway.” She paused to hiss in pain as Ellie dabbed at her lip with alcohol. “She was mouthing off about you and I just… I lost my mind.” 

“Ruth, you know better. Bowers has been saying shit about us forever, so why was this any different?” Ellie tenderly wiped the blood off Ruth’s cheek. 

Ruth looked back down. “She called you a dyke.”

Ellie paused, her heart seizing for a moment. She forced herself to ignore it, as she threw the wipe away and grabbed a new one. 

“I don’t need you to fight for me, Ruth,” she said, grabbing Ruth’s hand to dab at the wounds. 

Ruth gently squeezed her hand, sighing. “I know you don’t.” She gripped Ellie’s hand harder, gritting her teeth in pain. “I don’t regret it, though. I’d do it again if I had to.”

Ellie’s heart seized again, but it felt different this time. She almost felt… flattered? Is that what this was?

“I appreciate the gesture, but please don’t do it again.” She leaned over the first aid kit. “It would be nice not to lie awake worrying about you for once.”

“Ah man, it almost sounds like you care about me, El.” 

“Don’t call me that.” Ellie shoved her playfully, a smile blooming on her lips. “I do care about you, dumbass. Even when you’re going around fighting in my honor for no reason.” She spread some ointment on Ruth’s knuckles, then wound a bandage around the discolored skin. 

“Not for no reason. You’re my best friend, what did you expect?”

“For you to hopefully use your idiot brain for once. Did you even consider how your parents would respond if you came home all beat up like this?”

Ruth sniffed, rubbing the back of her neck. “Actually, they’re leaving early tomorrow for some fancy dentist convention, so they probably won’t even see me before they leave.”

“They’re just leaving you home alone?”

“Uh, yeah? It’s not like they’re gonna hire a babysitter or anything.”

The idea didn’t sit right in Ellie’s head for some reason. She squeezed more ointment on her finger and raised it to Ruth’s mouth. 

“I could ask my dad if you can stay the night tomorrow if you want. We haven’t really hung out just the two of us in a while.” She gently rubbed the ointment on Ruth’s lip, avoiding eye contact. “I think it’ll be fun, like old times.” 

Ruth nodded, her mouth going slack. “Yeah, that would be great.”

Ellie finds herself staring at Ruth’s lips. She slowly slides her hand along Ruth’s jaw, using her thumb to wipe away a bit of ointment from under her lip. Ruth exhales slowly. Ellie’s thumb moves traitorously, resting against Ruth’s bottom lip. She can’t help but feel drawn in, moving forward just a bit. 

But then Ellie remembered that summer in Ruth’s bathroom, and that Mason would be coming over when she got home, and all of her father’s harsh words. She drew her hand back like she had been burned and moved to gather her things. 

Ruth cleared her throat and hopped off the counter. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, El.”

Ellie was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t bother correcting her. 

-

Ellie often wondered how it could be possible to feel completely detached from reality while being overwhelmingly tethered to her body. She sat in her room that afternoon, sitting on her bed and staring at the wall. Mason was sitting next to her, talking about something incredibly dull. His voice was an endless stream of static in her head. 

She couldn’t stop thinking about Ruth in the bathroom earlier. The moment where Ellie’s thumb had rested on her lip was suspended in her mind. The memory mattered more to her than her surroundings. She hadn’t felt this way since she cut Ruth’s hair over the summer. Ellie didn’t want to imagine what would have happened if her dad hadn’t told her to come home. She didn’t want to acknowledge the feelings that the memory conjured. 

Mason clapped a hand on Ellie’s shoulder, snapping her out of her stupor. “Babe, are you even listening?”

Ellie blinked, turning to look at him. “Yeah, sorry, I zoned out for a bit.” She pulled her knees in and rested her chin on them. “I’m just really tired today.”

Mason leaned over to wrap an arm around her shoulders. “You always say that.” He scooted closer. “What did you do today?”

“I dunno, I just studied at the library.” She refrained from bringing up Ruth’s moment of chivalry. “I haven’t really been sleeping well, though.”

Mason hummed, moving his hand to stroke her upper arm. “We could always do something to tire you out,” he murmured in her ear. 

Ellie shivered. Her eyes drifted to the open bedroom door. “I dunno, my dad could hear us.” 

“Just be quiet then.”

Ellie slid off the bed, shrugging Mason’s arm off her. “I’m tired, Mason. I’m just not in the mood.” She wrapped her arms around herself, looking at her vanity. It had been her mother’s, long ago. A framed picture of her sat near the mirror, which had a photo strip stuck in the frame. Ellie had taken the pictures with Ruth at the photo booth in the lobby of the Aladdin. 

Why couldn’t Ellie stop thinking about her? Why could she still feel her thumb resting on Ruth’s lip?

“You always say that.” Mason rose from the bed, coming behind Ellie and wrapping his arms around her waist. “Why are you playing hard to get? Are you scared or something?”

Ellie froze. “I don’t have any experience. You know that.”

“Well, I can teach you.” 

Mason’s hand slowly traveled down, drifting dangerously close to Ellie’s crotch. She broke away from him, looking at the open door. 

“I said I’m not in the mood.” She wrapped her arms around herself again as though that would protect her, throat tightening in anger. She lowered her voice to prevent her father from hearing downstairs. “I’m not ready to have sex with you, Mason. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“We’ve been dating for months, Ellie. You’ve been giving me blue balls our whole relationship, and I’m really starting to get pissed off.”

Something akin to fear seeped into her bones. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“You just what? Are you a fucking lesbian or something?”

Ellie felt like someone had dumped a bucket of water on her head. “W-what? No, of course not.” She went hot and cold at once. Her mind went back to her stupid thumb on Ruth’s stupid lip, so she forced the thought away. 

Silence stretched on for what felt like forever. Mason was the first to move, walking over and placing a hand on her cheek. The feeling was almost too gentle like he was scared that she would shatter.

“I just worry. We’ve been dating this long, how am I supposed to know that you love me?” His thumb brushed the side of her mouth. “You do love me, right?”

The moment hung heavy, suspended in time. Ellie was trying her hardest not to choke on it. She nodded her head. 

“Good.” Mason stepped away, and Ellie slowly let out the breath she’d unknowingly been holding. He checked the time on his phone, then started gathering his things. “How about this, prom is in a few days. That’ll give you time to wrap your head around the idea, and we can leave early and fool around. It’ll be like a movie.” He came back to Ellie, leaning to whisper in her ear. “I promise I’ll be gentle.”

Ellie sighed and closed her eyes. “I’ll think about it.”

Mason smiled. “You do that.” He smacked a kiss to her forehead, then left her alone in her room. 

Mason’s words swirled around in her head as she lay in bed that night. 

_Are you a fucking lesbian or something?_

She turned around to face her vanity, looking at the photo strip again. Ruth had fought Bowers because she called Ellie a dyke. It wasn’t the first she’d been called that, but this afternoon the accusations dug deep. It shouldn’t bother her. 

She wasn’t a lesbian. She wasn’t.

She had a boyfriend. He wanted to have sex with her. They were apparently going to have sex on prom night. It would be like a movie.

She wanted to have sex with him too.

Right?

If she were honest with herself, Ellie had never really thought about sex. She knew the basic mechanics. She had the same half-baked sex education that the rest of her school had been subjected to. Sex seemed like something she would have to go through in the distant future. Now, it was staring her in the face. Any time that she and Mason had made out, it had felt like a chore. She never felt compelled to take anything further. Honestly, the thought of even looking at Mason’s dick wasn’t something she looked forward to. That was normal, right?

Maybe she was the kind of person who just wasn’t interested in sex at all. Had there ever been a time where she felt aroused? There had to have been, right?

She thought about being in Mason’s car the other day. He reached to touch her breast, but she stopped him. 

Ellie closed her eyes and tried to imagine what would have happened if she hadn’t. His hands were large, that wasn’t hard to imagine. He was always pretty rough when they made out, and she was sure that he wouldn’t be any different if they were to go further. 

The thought of it did nothing for her. She felt a little grossed out.

Ellie turned back to the photo strip on her mirror. Her traitorous brain once again pulled up the memory from earlier, vivid as day. 

Ruth’s lip had been soft. Ellie would be lying if she said that she hadn’t felt herself lean forward. She could easily imagine what would have happened if they had kissed. Ruth would be gentle but eager. The kiss would taste just a little bit like blood because of her split lip. 

Ellie was surprised at the heat that bloomed under her skin.

She wanted to plunge her hands into Ruth’s dark curls and pull her closer. She wanted to hear what sounds Ruth would make when she tugged her hair, just enough to sting. She wanted Ruth to wrap her legs around her waist. 

She wanted.. _._

Ellie’s hand clenched, where it rested on her thigh. Her own touch was like a brand.

God, she _wanted._

Before her common sense could catch up to her, she slipped her hand into her shorts. She sighed, bucking slightly at the touch. Ellie didn’t really make a habit of touching herself, but it happened often enough for her to know how to finish quickly. 

She closed her eyes, the image of Ruth burned in her mind. Her brown eyes, her high cheekbones, her pale neck. Ellie would press open-mouthed to her collarbones and gently scrape her teeth to feel Ruth squirm under her hands. She wanted to hear her name on Ruth’s lips. She wanted to feel nails dragging down her back while yanking their clothes off in eager haste, feeling the press of skin on skin. 

The spring tightened in Ellie’s gut, and she bit her hand to keep quiet as she splintered, her chest heaving and her legs shaking. 

The world around her burned and burned and burned. 

It was several long moments before the weight of what she had done finally hit her. She sat up and ran over to her backpack, panic flooding her system. 

What the fuck was wrong with her? Did she seriously just touch herself while thinking of her best friend? 

She finally managed to grab hold of her inhaler, shoving it into her mouth. 

Oh fuck, what would Ruth say if she knew? What would Mason say?

The tears came heavy and fast, slipping down her face as she tried to gulp down air. She dropped the inhaler to instead grip her hair in her hands, clenching her jaw so hard it ached. 

“I’m so sorry,” Ellie whispered, guilt gripping her entire being. She didn’t know who she was apologizing to, but pleading for mercy was all she could do.

“I’m so sorry.”


	4. Jacked Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruth: im so fucking stupid
> 
> Samantha: I know, but you’re going to have to be more specific.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm hoping to keep up this schedule of posting every couple of days now that i have a backlog of chapters built up. I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments and support that I've been receiving. This chapter isn't as deep as last one, but there's still some possibly triggering things:
> 
> TW for non explicit argument within an abusive relationship, mentions of Ellie's abuse by her father by way of placebos, Ruth's self loathing, discussion of a previous instance of attempted sexual coercion
> 
> Also, because I've gotten some comments from you guys about how much you love Bessie, I want to clarify that Bessie is in fact a super run down 1970's orange Ford Bronco if you want a visual reference. Also, the sleep shirt that Ellie wears in this chapter is a shirt that I actually own IRL (it was a gag gift).
> 
> A special thank you to my betas femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie for all of your help. Y'all are angels here on earth. 
> 
> I hope that you guys enjoy this chapter and please leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed it!

_ If I stay the night _

_ Will I fall in love? _

_ If I stroke your hair _

_ It's gonna hurt so much _

_ Stranded in the Kalahari _

_ Will you share your flask? _

_ If I stay the night _

_ Will I fall in love? _

_ \- Jacked Up by Weezer _

Ruth stared at Ellie’s house from her car, tapping her fingertips against the steering wheel. School ended about an hour ago, and she’d run home to grab her change of clothes and make sure the house was locked. Her face still ached from her fight yesterday, and her mind was still reeling from her interaction with Ellie in the bathroom. What the fuck was that all about? Why did Ruth agree to stay the night tonight? She pulled her phone out, finding Samantha’s contact.

**Ruth:** im so fucking stupid

**Samantha:** _ I know, but you’re going to have to be more specific.  _

Ruth sighed and ran a hand through her hair. 

**Ruth** : im about to spend the night at ellies

**Samantha** :  _ Isn’t that a good thing? You’ve been complaining about you not hanging out. _

It should be a good thing. Usually, Ruth would be ecstatic to spend time with her best friend, but after yesterday…

Ruth rested her thumb against her bottom lip, just like Ellie had done. What did it mean? She remembered leaning forward, drawn into the energy of the moment. She wanted to kiss Ellie more than anything. It was almost like Ellie would have kissed Ruth back. Unfortunately, Billie’s words stuck in Ruth’s brain.

_ You know she’s straight, right?  _

Ruth buried her head in her hands and let out a closed-mouthed scream before looking up and fixing her bangs in the rearview mirror. It was either pretend that things were normal with Ellie, or sleep in her empty house, and she knew she would rather see Ellie. Ruth grabbed her bag from the backseat and flung herself out the car onto the asphalt below. 

Ellie’s house hadn’t changed at all in the time that Ruth had known her. There were meticulously trimmed boxwoods growing around the front porch, but the grass was patchy brown in places. The house was built with red brick and white trim, paint peeling in places from hail damage. The Kaspbraks’ station wagon sat in the driveway. The only thing out of place was the silver car sitting next to the front sidewalk, which Ruth thought she recognized but couldn’t figure out who it belonged to. She walked to the front door, took a deep breath, and knocked to the tune of “shave and a haircut.” She was expecting Ellie to respond with her two knocks like she always did, but instead, the door opened to Ellie’s dad.

Simon Kaspbrak was a large, jowly man, with a balding head and judgemental eyes. Despite the many jokes Ruth made about him when she was younger, she was always mildly terrified of him, and he wasn’t a big fan of her either.

“Ruth Tozier,” he said, eyes narrowing. 

She swallowed nervously, hand rubbing at the back of her neck. “H-hey Mr. K. Is that a new, uh, shirt?”

His scowl deepened before he stepped aside to let Ruth through. She made a beeline for the stairs, eager to hide away in Ellie’s room. She could see the door slightly ajar from the landing, the sound of quiet music floating into the hall. Ruth grinned.

However, her smile was gone as soon as it came. Ruth opened her mouth to announce her presence, but then she saw Ellie and Mason in the throes of a passionate makeout session. Well, passionate might have been an inaccurate judgment. Ellie’s eyes were open and glazed at the space in front of her, posture rigid and stiff. She looked extremely uncomfortable. Mason failed to notice as he moved his head around, making him look like he was licking Ellie’s face like a dog. 

Ellie’s eyes suddenly moved, widening when she noticed Ruth standing dumbly in the doorway. She pushed Mason away and rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand. Ruth cleared her throat, trying to dispel the tension.

“Well, don’t stop on my account. I’ll just go back downstairs and see if Mr. K is up for some action.” She wiggled her eyebrows to punctuate her point, ignoring the stab of hurt and anger in her chest. 

“Beep beep, Ruth,” Ellie whispered, cheeks turning such a dark red that Ruth worried she would catch on fire. 

Mason turned to Ruth, annoyance written all over his face. “Yeah, Ruth, shut the fuck up.”

The knife just twisted harder. Ruth felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

“Mason, stop, it was an accident,” Ellie said, tugging on his sleeve. 

He pulled away, moving to stand intimidatingly in front of Ruth. “Why are you even here?”

Ruth opened and closed her mouth dumbly, unable to force any words out. She gripped the straps of her backpack, taking a couple of steps back. She wanted nothing more than to run, empty house be damned. 

“She’s spending the night. I thought I told you earlier,” Ellie said, bolting up from the bed. Ruth wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or to lay on the floor and cry. The room grew silent.

“I’m, uh, just gonna go use the little girl’s room,” Ruth said before turning and bolting to the bathroom across the hall. 

The door closed with a click, and Ruth finally let her tears fall. God, she was so fucking stupid. How was there any possibility of this night turning out okay? Ruth saw Mason’s car out front and didn’t even recognize it because she was so busy thinking about kissing her best friend. Who even does that? She covered her mouth to stifle the hiccups punching their way out of her lungs. 

_ Come on, pull yourself together, stupid _ , she thought, resting against the counter. She wiped away her tears, willing away any new ones. Ruth grabbed a tissue from its box, blowing her nose. She focused on taking deep breaths. Luckily, the eyeliner that she hastily applied before coming over was mostly intact; she wasn’t trying to look like the star of a Nicholas Sparks movie. 

By the time Ruth made it back to Ellie’s room, she and Mason were gone. Ruth rushed to the window and saw them standing by his car; it looked like he was about to leave. She couldn’t hear them, but based on their body language, they were arguing. Mason’s face was red with anger, and Ellie had wrapped her arms around herself, looking the smallest Ruth had ever seen her. Ruth tore her eyes away to look around Ellie’s room. 

It was very neat, almost plain. The walls were so light pink, they were practically white. Ellie’s bedspread had little embroidered flowers on it, which she had had their whole lives. Her vanity desk had a small acrylic makeup holder and a framed picture of Ellie’s mom. Tucked into the mirror’s frame was a photo strip, the one that Ruth and Ellie took last summer. Ruth had a matching one pinned on her bulletin board at home. The sight of it was like medicine for her bruised feelings. Ellie still cared about her; she cared enough to have their picture be one of the only pieces of personality in her room. Ruth reached out and touched the edge of the photograph with her fingertip.

She heard the front door slam downstairs and jumped back like she was burned. Ellie walked back into the room, looking more tired than any eighteen-year-old should. 

“I’m so sorry about him. He was supposed to be gone by the time you got here,” Ellie said, looking awfully guilty. She twisted the ring on her pinky, the one Ruth bought for her. Ruth tampered down the joy she felt, knowing that Ellie still wore it. 

“Really, it’s fine. I could have just gone back home if it had been eas--”

“No!” Ellie said, surprisingly loud. She cleared her throat. “No, I want you here. Mason just gets upset really easy, y’know?”

Ruth nodded. Yeah, real fucking easy.

“Are you… okay?” Ruth asked, taking a few tentative steps closer. She placed a gentle hand on Ellie’s upper arm like she might scare her away. Ellie tensed, then quickly relaxed, leaning into the touch a bit. 

“Yeah, I am. I promise.” Her smile was shaky. 

Ruth squeezed her arm just a little tighter. God, she hoped Ellie wasn’t lying. 

-

Dinner with Ellie’s dad was supremely awkward, but that was expected. The food was bland, and everyone was silent nearly the entire meal. Ruth could tell that Simon was judging her with her wrinkled button-up and frizzy hair. To him, she was just some nasty bitch out to corrupt his perfect little girl. Ellie looked trapped, but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Just being in her father’s presence was sweltering to them both. 

Luckily, it was over fairly quickly. Ruth and Ellie did the dishes together and then sat around in Ellie’s room. It almost felt like old times. Ruth didn’t even notice the time passing.

“We should probably get in bed, we have school tomorrow,” Ellie said, pulling herself up from the floor and heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Ruth followed her like a puppy. She stood next to Ellie, nudging her as she wet her toothbrush.

“This is just like Bring It On.”

“Shut up and brush,” Ellie said, face cracking with a grin. Ruth smiled back, looking at their reflection in the mirror.

They went back to Ellie’s room. Ruth bent down to pull her pajamas out of her bag, looking over her shoulder at Ellie. She pulled on a pair of soft red shorts, her brown hair stood stark against the pale skin of her bare back. Ruth quickly looked down to her bag, a furious blush rising in her cheeks. 

_ Get yourself together, asshole _ , she thought, changing as fast as possible. She stood and pulled her hair out of its half-up style, ruffling her curls. Ellie was wearing a shirt now, one that Ruth left during a previous sleepover and never thought to ask for it back. It was blue and had white lettering that said: “My Favorite Kid Bought Me This Shirt.” It was too big for Ellie, almost covering her shorts. Ruth swallowed thickly. Ellie didn’t notice Ruth’s internal freakout as she walked over to the bed and pulled the covers aside. 

“I, uh, didn’t think to pull out the air mattress, but we usually just share the bed anyway. Unless it bothers you or something,” she said, fidgeting awkwardly. Ruth’s mind flew back to the day before; it seemed like Ellie was worried about making her uncomfortable. 

“Nah, it’s cool.” Ruth rubbed the back of her neck, trying to look nonchalant. Ellie nodded before climbing in, scooting so her back was pressed against the wall. Ruth flicked off the lights and climbed in after, laying flat on her back, trying her hardest not to touch Ellie. She didn’t want to make things awkward again; she wanted to pretend that things were normal. 

“Hey, I’m really sorry for how Mason acted today,” Ellie whispered after a few moments. The outline of her face glowed in the moonlight that shone through the window. 

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I walked in on you guys.”

“It’s really not okay.” Her voice was insistent. “It’s probably my fault.”

Ruth’s brow furrowed in confusion. 

“How could it possibly be your fault? It’s not like you told him to say that.”

“I dunno. We’ve been fighting a lot lately. He gets really short with people when we fight.” Ellie curled up as if she was trying to hide. Ruth fought down the anger that started to bubble under her skin. 

“What have you guys been fighting about?”

Ellie hesitated. “It’s stupid. It’s my fault, anyway.”

Ruth turned to face her. “Tell me, anyway.”

Ellie took a deep breath. “Mason and I haven’t had sex yet. We haven’t done much of anything besides making out, actually. It… it’s because of me, cause I keep putting it off.” She paused for a moment, then got very quiet. “He’s getting tired of waiting on me.”

Ruth felt a small feeling of relief at the confession, but she ignored it. “I’m not gonna lie, El, that’s kind of fucked up. Him getting fed up, I mean.”

“Isn’t that what you do when you date someone? You go on dates, you spend time together, you have sex.” Her words sounded a little choked as if she was fighting back the urge to cry or scream. 

“I mean, no. Dating is supposed to be whatever you want it to be.”

“He said that he wants us to have sex after prom.”

The relief Ruth felt quickly turned to hurt. “A-are you gonna do it?”

Ellie shifted uncomfortably. Ruth turned to lay on her back, focusing on how the moonlight blended in with the texture of the ceiling. A question burned in her mind, and it tumbled out of her mouth before she had the chance to stop herself. 

“Do you even want to have sex with him? Like, for real?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You heard me, Ellie.”

Ellie is silent for what feels like an eternity. She mutters something that Ruth doesn’t catch.

“What?”

“I said no.”

The silence continued on, growing thick and heavy. Ruth was unsure whether to feel happy for herself or sad for Ellie. Even just considering feeling happy made her think she was a selfish, horrible person. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Ruth feels Ellie curling in tighter. Her voice is hushed when she speaks again. “Does that make me an awful person?”

“Not wanting to have sex doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Ellie went quiet again, taking in Ruth’s words. 

“Can I tell you something?”

Ruth turned to face her. “Yeah, of course, El.”

She took a deep breath. “I tell Mason all the time that I love him, but I don’t think I really do. I just say it cause he says it to me, and I feel like I have to say it back.”

“El--”

“No, let me finish. I realized that no matter what I do, I don’t feel like I have a choice. I’m finally starting to realize how much I’m missing out on because I’m dating this guy. I didn’t even know that Beth and Beau are going to prom together until yesterday.” She paused, her breath fluttery like she might start crying. “I’ve been an awful friend. Not just to the losers, but to you. Especially to you.”

Ruth’s breath stuttered, throat constricting. She was completely caught off guard. “El, it’s okay, really.”

“No, it’s not.” She was definitely crying now, her voice hiccuping slightly. To Ruth’s surprise, Ellie reached across and grabbed her hand, threading their fingers together. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”

Ruth gently rubbed her thumb against Ellie’s wrist. “Well, I think you’re pretty great. And you can’t be doing any worse than I am. I mean, look at me.”

Ellie smiled brightly enough to shine in the dark. Ruth couldn’t help but smile too. In a moment of boldness, Ruth scooted closer and pressed their foreheads together. Ellie moved to meet her, tightening her hold on Ruth’s hand.

“I really missed you,” she whispered, her breath tickling Ruth’s cheeks. 

Ruth couldn’t stop the heat that rose to her face. “I missed you too,” she responded, even quieter. 

Ellie moved to rest her head under Ruth’s chin, letting go of her hand in favor of draping her arm around Ruth. Ruth froze, then moved to hold her too. She snaked her arm around to rest her hand on Ellie’s smooth hair, scratching at her scalp gently. Ellie seemed to like that, so she snuggled closer. Ruth was sure she was having some fever dream, but she let herself sink into the moment while it lasted. 

Ruth gathered up the last bit of her courage before speaking again. “You deserve to be happy, you know? Whether it’s with Mason or not, you deserve it.”

Ellie was quiet for a moment. “You deserve to be happy, too. More than anyone.”

Ruth had trouble believing that. She felt guilty for even having Ellie in her arms, but she ignored her shame for a little while. Instead, Ruth held Ellie as close as she could, pushing her nose into Ellie’s hair and leaving a gentle kiss there. She would deal with her feelings in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on posting this fic as well as some moodboards and reference pictures on my tumblr here soon so give me a follow at reddieonwheels.


	5. Perfect Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning was weird, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll, here's chapter 5. There's not too many warnings, so I'll just jump right into it. 
> 
> Warnings for: manipulative language, small amount of physical force, references to past violence and bullying (at this point I should just make Mason his own warning)
> 
> Shout out to my betas femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie. Please give them some love.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and please leave a comment and kudos if you liked this chapter!

_ What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? _

_ In a perfect situation, I let love down the drain _

_ There's the pitch, slow and straight, all I have to do is swing _

_ And I'm a hero, but I'm a zero _

_ Hungry nights, once again, how it's getting unbelievable _

_ Cause I could not have it better, but I just can't get no play _

_ From the girls, all around as they search the night for _

_ Someone to hold onto and I just pass through _

_ \- Perfect Situation by Weezer _

The next morning was weird, to say the least. 

Ellie woke up to her alarm, feeling more well-rested than she had in a long time. She felt warmth, and she leaned toward it like a flower in the sun. She cracked open an eye to see that she was pressed against Ruth’s back, arm slung around her waist. 

Ruth presumably heard the alarm, groaning and stretching before placing her hand over Ellie’s, before suddenly tensing. Then, Ruth hopped out of bed like she had been burned, grabbing her bag and racing to the bathroom. 

Ellie was confused for a moment before her sleepy haze suddenly cleared. She sat up and gasped, running her hands through her hair. What the hell was last night? She fucking cuddled? With Ruth?

_ Oh god, I liked it,  _ she thought, dragging her hands over her face.  _ I really, really liked it. _

She focused on regulating her breathing, not wanting to experience a panic attack so early in the morning. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, taking deep breaths. It was fine. Everything was fine. She masturbated thinking of Ruth, and then she cuddled with her during the night, but it didn’t mean anything. It was nothing.

Seriously, it meant nothing. 

Ellie got up, walked over to her closet, opened the doors, and pushed around the hangers looking for a pair of jeans. She found her prom dress toward the back with its tulle skirt and blush pink color. What would Mason say if he knew? Just because she cried about her problems to Ruth doesn’t mean that they just went away. 

Ellie grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, then closed the closet. She changed quickly, looking at the open door. The light shone through the crack under the bathroom door. Was Ruth upset at her? She seemed fine last night.

Heat suddenly rose to Ellie’s cheeks as she remembered how Ruth pressed a chaste kiss to the crown of her head, and how tightly Ruth held her. It was almost like she was scared to let go. 

Ellie forced herself to stop thinking about it. She hastily tucked in her shirt before bending over to roll up the hems of her pants. She was tying her hair back into a ponytail when Ruth finally re-emerged from the bathroom. Her hair was pulled back, and she wore shorts with an old sweater and boots. Ellie hated how her heart jumped at the sight. 

“Are you about ready to go?” Ruth asked, obviously avoiding eye contact. 

Ellie’s heart sank a little. “Yeah, just let me…” She found her Keds in a corner and pulled them on. Then, she grabbed her backpack and gave Ruth a thumbs up.

_ God, I couldn’t be more awkward if I tried,  _ she thought. 

They went downstairs to grab a quick breakfast, and Ellie’s father barely acknowledged them. 

“Remember to take your medicine, Ellie,” he said from his chair. 

Her skin prickled as Ruth watched her. Ellie placed the pills under her tongue and pecked her dad on the cheek before walking out the door. Once they reached Ruth’s car, Ellie spat out the medicine onto the street. Ruth raised an eyebrow at her, but Ellie just waved her away. 

The ride to school was just as awkward as that morning had been. Ellie stared out the window, watching the same trees and houses pass by in a colorful blur. Ruth had music playing on her phone’s speakers. She hummed along under her breath like she did every morning. How was Ruth so calm? Why wasn’t she yelling at Ellie for being fucking weird last night? Why wasn’t she accusing her of being a lesbian like everyone else did?

“Have you figured out the tape deck yet?” Ellie asked, trying to break the ice.

“I’m getting there. My dad used to make tapes when he was in high school, so he said he would teach me. He’s still got all of his old stuff.” Ruth’s voice was light, but her eyes stayed firmly on the road. Normally, she had an awful habit of talking and not paying attention while driving. Ellie ignored how Ruth’s sudden regard for road safety itched under her skin. Instead, she looked at Ruth’s phone to see what song was playing. It was  _ Perfect Situation _ by Weezer. 

Ellie rolled her eyes; Ruth played Weezer every morning she’d been driving Ellie to school. “You need to find a new band.”

“What’s wrong with Weezer? They have a song for every occasion.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” Ellie prayed that Ruth would argue back, which would achieve a sense of normalcy. 

“Ellie, baby, trust me. As soon as I start making tapes, I’ll make you a Weezer one.”

Ellie’s heart stuttered at the nickname and Ruth’s promise, but she again fought the feelings down. How was Ruth acting so normal? “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

They pulled into the school parking lot, the car stuttering to a halt. Ellie unbuckled her seat belt and opened the door, but Ruth cleared her throat. “Hey, uh--”

“Ellie, I’ve been looking for you,” someone suddenly shouted behind her. She turned around and saw Mason striding toward her. Her heart sank. 

Ruth looked confused for a moment, then withdrew, her eyes growing hard and cold. “Nevermind, I’ll see you later.” She hopped out of the car before Ellie could get a word in edgewise. 

Mason clapped a hand on Ellie’s shoulder, making her jump. “Hey, what took you so long to get here?”

“Sorry, I woke up kind of late. What’s up?” Ellie asked, slipping out of Ruth’s car and closing the door. Mason wrapped an arm around her and steered her towards school like he couldn’t stand being around Ruth any longer than he had to be. His grip was so different compared to Ruth’s soft embrace in bed the night before. Ellie pushed the thought away. 

“I’ve been thinking about our talk last night.”

Ah yes, their “talk” about how Mason didn’t understand why she was ditching him to hang out with Ruth Tozier. She argued that she told him Ruth was coming over to spend the night. He got upset that she talked back to him. Eventually, he drove off, leaving Ellie confused and hurt. 

She was still confused about Ruth, but she became more clear-headed about Mason with every step. “What about last night?”

“You haven’t been acting like yourself. I’m worried that being around Ruth is changing you.”

Ellie stopped. Mason walked a few more steps before he noticed. “What did you just say?” Ellie asked, her fists clenching. She was surprised at the anger that flooded her body. 

Mason turned back and walked into her space, his energy suddenly hard. “You’ve been acting weird. We never used to argue like this. Since you started seeing her again, it’s like she’s trying to turn you against me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Ellie, you aren’t listening to me.” He went to grab her arm, but Ellie jerked away. 

“I heard you just fine. Are you listening to yourself?”

“Look at you! You never argue like this.” Mason leaned in to talk more quietly, his voice tight with anger. Fear washed over Ellie like a rainfall. “Can’t you see what that bitch is doing? She’s keeping you away from me because she’s obsessed with you.” 

Ellie backed away, fury spilling out of her mouth before she even thought to stop it. 

“How fucking dare you? She’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and I’m sick and tired of letting you shit on her all the time.” Ellie’s chest heaved, but she continued. “I’m sorry that you feel so insecure that me being around anyone who’s not you is a threat.” 

Before she could catch her breath, Mason snatched her wrist and dragged her around the corner of the building, his face growing redder and redder. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” he asked in a voice low. Mason hardly ever yelled when he was upset. His voice became strained and hard like he was a balloon on the verge of bursting. 

“I-I j-just--”

“Stop. This is getting ridiculous.”

Ellie tried to pull her wrist free, but Mason only tightened his grip. “I can’t keep doing this anymore, Mason. I’m so tired of this, all the fighting and not being able to see my friends. I’m done.”

Mason stared at her, his face suddenly slack. “You’re just saying that cause you’re all worked up. Y’know what, fine. Take a few days to think, but I’m picking you up for prom on Saturday at eight, and that’s final.” He leaned in closer. “You’ll change your mind because you need me. Remember that.” He gave her wrist one last squeeze, then let go, casting a glance over his shoulder as he walked away. 

Ellie rubbed the skin under her palm, where it was most tender. She could see little red marks where Mason’s fingers had been. Her vision grew blurry as tears fell fast down her cheeks, splashing on her forearm. What if Mason was right? What if she left him and Ruth realized how fucking insane she was, and all of the losers faded away until she was totally alone? She already felt pretty damn alone. 

More alone than she had ever felt in her life. 

-

Ellie found herself walking alone to the barrens after school. Mason was giving her the silent treatment, which she wasn’t sure whether to be worried or relieved. She hadn’t heard from Ruth either, which was honestly more concerning. Ellie couldn’t stop thinking about last night. How she felt looking at Ruth in the moonlight, and how she felt being held. It wasn’t a feeling she’d ever felt with Mason and not one that she thought she ever would. 

Ellie sat by the edge of the water, looking at her reflection in the glassy surface. 

Did she ever have feelings for a guy before Mason? She remembered when she was younger at the quarry, looking at the smooth planes of Beau’s chest and feeling more concerned about his rapidly growing sunburn than anything else. She never kissed anyone before Mason either, and she wasn’t even a fan of that. She certainly never thought about him while touching herself. 

_ You did with Ruth _ , a voice in her head pointed out. 

“I have to leave him,” Ellie whispered to her reflection. “I have to leave him before I lose my mind. I have to leave him after prom or something. I have to leave him and run far away, so I never have to see him again.”

Suddenly, Ellie heard a crunching sound behind her. She jumped up and turned, bracing herself in case Bowers made a surprise appearance, but it was Ruth, working her way out of the shadows.

“Calm down, it’s just me.” 

Ellie sighed and flopped back on the ground, pulling her knees up and resting her head on them. Great, just what she needed—Ruth coming in and making everything ten times more complicated. 

She heard the crunch of rock as Ruth sat next to her. “Sam said she saw you and Mason fighting this morning. I saw you walking this way, so I thought I’d come to check on you.” Her voice was gentle. 

Ellie seethed. “You don’t have to check on me, Ruth.” Her voice was muffled by her knees. 

“I know, but… I wanted to, y’know?”

Ellie slowly lifted her head up. Ruth’s expression was one of sincerity. It made Ellie feel like she was flayed open, like a fish about to be deboned. She looked down at her hands and twisted her ring around and around. 

“Since when are you so nice?” Ellie asked, a small laugh in her tone. 

Ruth chuckled and nudged her shoulder. “Since always, asshole. What got you so worked up anyway? Was he mad ‘cause he saw how much cooler my car is than his?”

“No, stupid. Nobody would be jealous of that death trap.” She laughed a little before sobering. “He’s just… I dunno. I think sometimes he believes all of that shit that Bowers says about you. He thinks you’re gonna do something to me.” 

Ellie expected Ruth to laugh, but she was surprisingly quiet. She turned and saw Ruth’s eyes trained to the water. 

“What if they were right?”

Ellie’s heart stuttered. “What do you mean?”

“So what if I did like girls? What if I’ve never even kissed a guy even though I said I did when we were little? What then, El?” Her voice was strained, and she almost sounded scared. 

Ellie scooted closer, so their shoulders were pressed together, almost like her body moved without her permission. “So, that would be fine. Better than fine. I know the losers wouldn’t think of you any differently.”

Ruth chuckled a bit. “I’d sure hope so. I’m counting the days ‘till Billie and Mackenzie start macking on each other.” She paused and looked Ellie in the eye. “What about you though, what would you say?”

“I say that you’re my best friend, and I care about you.” Ellie placed a gentle hand on Ruth’s jaw. “So much.”

“Well, shucks, El, way to make a girl blush.” 

Ellie smiled. “Hey, at least you know what you want in life. I don’t think I know what I want anymore. Or if I even want the right things.”

“There is no such thing as the right thing.” Ruth placed a hand over Ellie’s, where it still rested on her jaw. “What do you want?”

Time seemed to slow down. Ellie really looked at Ruth. Her curly dark hair that was never neat, her endless deep brown eyes, her smudged eyeliner after a day of wear. She was a mess—wild, shameless, and loud. But Ruth was Ellie’s mess—everything Ellie wanted and despised in one person. 

She was beautiful. 

So what did Ellie want?

Ellie leaned in close, realizing she didn’t want any particular thing. 

She just  _ wanted.  _

Ellie kissed Ruth, and a weight lifted from her shoulders. Ruth made a little noise of surprise like she couldn’t believe what was happening, but she eventually kissed back. Ellie lifted her other hand, placing it on the back of Ruth’s neck and pulling her impossibly closer. She prodded Ruth’s lips with her tongue, and Ruth opened her mouth, moaning a little. Ellie felt like a fire had been injected into her veins, setting everything ablaze around her. The only thing she cared about was how Ruth was kissing her feverishly like it might never happen again. 

Ellie burned and burned and burned. 

They pulled apart for air, and the haze slowly drifted away. Ruth’s eyes were still closed, lips parted. Ellie remembered touching Ruth’s bottom lip the other day. The split was still there, red against pink. The bruise on her cheekbone was still there, too, a sickly green color. How had she forgotten about it? 

_ Oh, God, what have I done? _

_ What have I done? _

Mason’s words floated in her head, his threats and hurtful words refusing to be pushed away.  _ I’m just going to hurt her _ , Ellie thought.  _ She’s going to get hurt worse, and it’s going to be all my fault.  _

Ellie scrambled away, pulling herself to her feet as fast as she could.

“Ellie, wh--”

“I’m sorry I have to go.”

Ruth moved to stop her, but Ellie was already sprinting back through the trees. She’d always been a decent runner, and she let it carry her far away, as fast as she could. 

The image of Ruth’s shocked and hurt face stayed firmly behind her eyes all the way home. 


	6. I Don't Wanna Let You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billie sputtered, looking like a fish out of water. “Y-y-you look r-really nice.”
> 
> Mackenzie blushed and muttered a thank you. Ruth was in agony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So I did some thinking and I realized that two of the chapters I had planned towards the end are super redundant so I've decided to cut them! I just have to finish the last chapter and then I will post the whole fic! Also, in case you haven't noticed, this fic is part of a series! There will be at least two more parts after this fic. Anyway, thank you so much for all of the comments and kudos.
> 
> There isn't much for this chapter so TW for discussions about an abusive relationship. 
> 
> Thank you to to my betas femmereddie and momochannie! Go give them a read.
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!

_ All the times you came to me and told me that you cared _

_ I was dreaming of happy days that we both could share _

_ Maybe I got too excited, and maybe you freaked out _

_ Maybe I just have to call you up and scream and shout _

_ All of my friends tell me that I ought to play it cool _

_ No one likes too much attention from a desperate fool _

_ Still I don't believe that I can keep it all inside _

_ When I see your pretty face, I almost want to cry _

_ \- I Don’t Wanna Let You Go by Weezer _

Ruth was glad that she wasn’t going to prom. She went last year because the losers went as a big group instead of as couples. Ruth thought it was fine. She jumped around with Mackenzie and Billie; she let Beau swing her around the dance floor, although she was almost taller than him. Ruth even danced with Ellie once. That memory alone made the whole experience rather painful. So, when Billie suggested that they should throw a party instead of going to prom that year, Ruth jumped at the opportunity. 

Billie’s parents were going out of town for their anniversary, and her little sister Georgia was staying at a friend’s house, which left the Denbroughs’ sprawling two-story home free for shenanigans. Billie was popular enough outside of the losers to ensure that people would come and bring booze. There were plenty of teens in Derry who were more willing to go to a shitty house party than sway in a poorly decorated gym downtown. Ruth was infinitely grateful for the distraction. 

She sat on the floor of Billie’s room Saturday evening, encircled by her makeup. Mackenzie was swiping red lipstick across her lips in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. She had put more effort into her look than Ruth had ever seen, wearing a red tank top that matched her lips. Ruth didn’t miss how Billie stared at her, blushing furiously against her pale cheeks. Ruth just rolled her eyes at the scene, and then she turned back to her eyeshadow palette’s mirror, blending a shade of brown into the crease of her eyelid. 

Ellie was probably getting ready for prom right then. Samantha was doing her and Beth’s makeup, promising that she would come over when she finished. Ruth tried to ignore how her heart clenched at the thought of Ellie going to prom. She did not hear from Ellie since the other day when she left Ruth at the barrens, feeling confused and hurt. Ruth tried to distract herself, but the feeling of Ellie’s lips pressed against hers kept her awake at night. Ruth was so damn tired, and she hadn’t even thought to tell the other losers, either. Like speaking the situation into existence made it real. She still wasn’t sure if she wanted it to be real or not. 

“How do I look?” Mackenzie asked, turning around. Her smile was as bright as the sun.

“Like a million bucks, Miss Mack,” Ruth responded, gesturing dramatically with her brush. 

Billie sputtered, looking like a fish out of water. “Y-y-you look r-really nice.”

Mackenzie blushed and muttered a thank you. Ruth was in agony. 

Suddenly, there was a gentle knock at the door. “Is everyone decent?” Samantha asked from the other side.

“I’m never decent,” Ruth shouted, picking up her eyeliner and focusing on applying a decent wing. Instead of responding, Samantha let herself in. Her black jacket and grey shirt were unwrinkled like all of her clothes always seemed to be. Ruth never understood how she managed to look so much like a lawyer all the time. 

“How were the girls?” Mackenzie asked. Samantha moved past her and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Beth was fine,” she said, and then she cleared her throat. “Hey, Ruth, do you have something you want to tell us?”

The back of Ruth’s neck prickled uncomfortably. “Not especially, no.”

“So, you have no idea why Ellie was having a full-on mental breakdown when I went to her house?”

Ruth’s insides froze. Her hand stilled. She felt three pairs of eyes bore through her like termites. “Uh… no?”

There was a long pause before Samantha sighed and slid down on the floor across from Ruth. “Can you guys give us a minute?” she asked, turning to the others. 

Billie and Mackenzie looked at each other. “Lets g-go, uh, make s-sure we have enough cups,” Billie said, grabbing Mackenzie by the hand and dragging her away. 

Samantha waited for the door to close before taking the eyeliner and the mirror out of Ruth’s hands. “Ellie told me everything.” Her voice was soft. 

Ruth hated it. 

“Oh yeah? She seems to know a lot these days.”

“Ruth, something’s been going on with you two. I’m worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Sammy. Just leave it alone.” Ruth reached for eyeliner again, but Samantha grabbed her wrist. 

“Listen, Ellie told me that she kissed you. I don’t know how you feel about that, but she is really torn up over it.”

Anger pulsed through Ruth’s body. “Well, if she regrets it so much, she can tell me herself.” Ruth stood to leave, but Samantha tugged her down by her wrists. 

“She doesn’t, Ruth. She cares about you so much, but she’s scared. She’s scared of Mason, scared of her dad, and scared of you.”

“Me?”

Samantha smiled a little, rubbing Ruth’s wrist with her thumb. “She’s scared to lose you. I think you’re scared to lose her, too.”

Ruth didn’t know how to respond to that. Of course, Samantha was right, but that didn’t mean Ruth was happy about that or knew what it meant. She knew she cared about Ellie, more than she cared about anyone. She was content in Ellie’s arms. She was happy to kiss her, and she was happy when Ellie’s eyes were on her. But Ruth didn’t know what Ellie felt, or if she even wanted this. Did Ruth make her happy too?

“I don’t think she wants me like I want her, Sam.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” She reached up to move a stray hair behind Ruth’s ear. Sam was so gentle and calm, and sometimes, it was too much for Ruth. 

Her throat constricted. _ I’m so goddamn tired of crying _ , she thought. 

“I think Mason has Ellie convinced that she can’t do any better, but she can, because she has you, and she has us. I think as long as you let her know, everything will be okay.”

A tear slipped down Ruth’s cheek, and she wiped it away. “Stop making me cry, it’s gonna mess up my eyeliner.” She chuckled a little, clearing her throat. “What do I do?”

“You obviously need to go talk to her. Did I not just say that?”

“No, you just made me cry. What do I even say?”

Samantha sighed and rolled her eyes, picking up the eyeliner to fix the spot that Ruth smudged. “Go tell her how you feel, stupid. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way for some godforsaken reason, at least she’ll know that she has other options.”

Ruth was so scared. She wanted Ellie so badly, and she had for so long. But she knew that she had to toughen up and actually do something about it if anything was going to change. And god, things needed to change. Ruth remembered how scared Ellie sounded in bed the other day about having sex with Mason. She had to do something before it was too late. 

“Okay, I’ll do it.” Ruth jumped up, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror.  _ Fuck _ . “What the fuck do you wear when you go to confess to your crush?” 

Samantha groaned.

-

Ruth pulled up at the end of the street, parking where she wouldn’t be seen. Ellie’s house was a few lots down, standing like an impenetrable fortress. Before leaving her car, Ruth checked herself in the rearview mirror. She had borrowed a loose green tank top and a tight black shirt from Billie’s closet, and her hair pulled back into a ponytail. The other losers gave their approval before shooing Ruth out of the house. 

Ruth grabbed her brown leather jacket and slipped out of the car, walking to the side of the Kaspbrak house. There was a large oak tree right next to Ellie’s window; Ruth could see the light on, a shadow moving around. She hadn’t climbed the tree since she was in middle school, but she didn’t want to answer to Mr. K either. So, she grabbed onto the lowest branch and hoisted herself up. It was certainly harder than it had been all those years ago, but Ruth gritted her teeth and kept going. Her palms grew sweaty as she scooted across a branch to land on the roof. Carefully, she knocked against the window; shave and a haircut. Someone yelped from inside, and then the curtain was pushed aside to reveal Ellie in her dress. She slid the window up with a grunt.

“Ruth, what the fuck are you doing here?” Ellie asked in a loud whisper. She didn’t sound mad, exactly, just kind of surprised. 

“Hey, El, you gonna let me in?” Ruth tried to hide how much her voice shook. Ellie wordlessly stepped aside, letting Ruth shimmy her way into the room. Ellie moved across the room to close the door, leaning against it. 

“Did Sam send you? Is that what this is? I thought I told her not to say anything to you.” 

Ruth could see that her eyes were red-rimmed; Samantha hadn’t lied about the breakdown. “Not exactly. I mean, she told me what happened, but I needed to talk to you anyway.” Ruth tried to keep herself calm. She looked over at Ellie, taking in her appearance. Her pink dress was sleeveless, a gold necklace looped around her neck. Her makeup was more beautiful than Ruth had ever seen; Samantha had done good work. Her hair was loose, and Ruth saw that she had a bunch of bobby pins and hair ties littered on her vanity’s surface. “You look really nice.”

A blush rose to Ellie’s cheeks. “Thanks. I, uh, can’t get my hair to work right.” She scratched at her collarbone, looking at the wall instead of at Ruth. 

“I can help if you want?” Ruth said, stepping toward the vanity. 

Ellie sighed and moved to stand next to her. “That’d be great, thanks.” 

Ellie looked so tired. Ruth’s heart clenched. She grabbed a brush and started brushing out Ellie’s tangles. Ruth had once been decent at fixing hair before she lobbed it all off, and she hoped those skills would be enough. She twisted Ellie’s hair around, sticking bobby pins in it while making a nice looking bun. It was slow work, and the air thickened with unspoken words. 

“Why are you here, Ruth?” Ellie whispered quietly. 

Ruth swallowed, sliding a final pin into Ellie’s hair. “Sam told me that you freaked about kissing me.”

“Ruth--”

“No, let me say this.” She moved, so they were facing each other. “It’s okay. The kiss, I mean. I’m not upset. I actually really liked it. ‘Cause the thing is, I really like you. I have for a long time.” Ellie goes to speak again, but Ruth just holds up her hand. “You don’t have to say anything; you don’t even have to like me back, but I see how miserable you are with Mason. I see how much he hurts you. I see how you go small and quiet around him. Here, look at me.” Ruth lifts up Ellie’s chin, looking her in the eye. “You don’t have to have feelings for me, but I want you to know that you have other options. There are plenty of people out there who will love you for who you are, including me. You deserve so much better than him.”

Ellie stared at Ruth with a peculiar look in her eyes, like she finally saw her for the first time. Ruth tries not to feel mortified by her vulnerability. This was important.

This was the  _ most _ important. 

“Please think about it, okay? All of us are going to be at Billie’s party, so feel free to stop by.”

Ruth moved her hand away from Ellie’s face and back toward the window. She rubbed her finger under her nose, putting a leg through the window opening. 

“Ruth.” Ellie’s voice was so quiet. A sea of emotions moved in her eyes. 

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Ellie’s mouth opened and closed like she was trying to find the right words. Ruth gave her a sad smile and slid the rest of the way out the window. 

The journey back to her car was sluggish, like time had slowed down. Ruth felt so damn numb. As she climbed in Bessie’s driver’s seat, she saw Mason’s car pull up from the other end of the street. He was dressed in his tux, slamming his car door shut with a bang. Ruth forced herself to look away, shifting her car to drive.

As Ruth drove back to Billie’s, she couldn’t help but pray that everything would be alright.


	7. The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samantha nodded, taking everything in quietly. It wasn’t until Ellie stopped to catch her breath that she finally spoke. “Have you actually said any of this stuff to Ruth?”
> 
> Ellie abruptly turned to her. “No, why in the hell would I do that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left! Writing this story has been so amazing and cathartic for me, and the fact that I get to share it is amazing. I really, really appreciate all of the comments that have been left. Sometimes when I struggle to write the fact that I know someone is reading this makes it all worth it. With that, I'm gonna jump into warnings. 
> 
> This is the chapter with the most warnings, so be aware of the following: sexual coersion, gaslighting, attempted sexual abuse, small amounts of physical force, an instance of biting, depiction of an abuse relationship, threats made over text message. In short, Mason tries to have sex with Ellie, she says she doesn't want to, he uses physical force to hold down her arms and to pull down her dress. Ellie bites him and runs away before things can go any further. This is a serious scene that is not made light of. 
> 
> If you want to skip this part, it starts at "Suddenly, Mason’s car lurched to a halt..." and ends at "She tumbled out of the car before pulling herself to her feet."
> 
> Also, the prom theme in this chapter (Diamonds Are Forever) was from my favorite prom that I went to (I went all 4 years of highschool). The decorations were awful but the people I went with were really fun and I had a cool dress so I had a good time. 
> 
> Thanks to my betas femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie. If you liked this chapter leave kudos and comments!

_ The world has turned and left me here _

_ Just where I was before you appeared _

_ And in your place, an empty space _

_ Has filled the void behind my face _

_ I talked for hours to your wallet photograph _

_ And you just listened _

_ You laughed, enchanted by my intellect _

_ Or maybe you didn't _

_ \- The World Has Turned And Left Me Here by Weezer _

Ellie stared despondently out the window, watching Ruth scramble down the tree. She felt like a two-by-four had been smashed over her head. Her brain might as well ooze out of her ears. 

She had spent much of the day panicking about kissing Ruth and going to prom with Mason. By the time that Samantha showed up to do her makeup, Ellie had descended into full-on hysterics. She told Samantha everything; about how she didn’t want to be with Mason anymore, how she and Ruth danced around each other for months, how they kissed at the barrens the other day. Ellie detailed her confusing feelings and how she never enjoyed kissing until she kissed Ruth. She felt safe with Ruth, loved even. 

Samantha nodded, taking everything in quietly. It wasn’t until Ellie stopped to catch her breath that she finally spoke. “Have you actually said any of this stuff to Ruth?”

Ellie abruptly turned to her. “No, why in the hell would I do that?”

Samantha groaned, pushing Ellie to sit on her bed so she could start her makeup. “Both of you are the most useless human beings I’ve ever met in my life. Look, I don’t know how you expect anything to get better if you just keep pushing away your real feelings.”

Ellie exhaled deeply, focused on settling her pounding heart. “I’ve been trying to be better, but it’s so hard. I almost broke up with Mason before I kissed Ruth that day, but he talked me out of it. It’s almost like every single time I think I know what I want, he comes in and tells me otherwise. And now I’ve hurt Ruth.” She was surprised at how fast tears sprung in her eyes. “She fought Bowers for me, she listened to me crying about not wanting sex with my boyfriend, she stuck around even though I’ve been an awful friend. She’s wonderful, and all I’ve done is hurt her.”

Samantha grabbed a tissue and dabbed away the tears trickling down Ellie’s face. “Well, that’s awfully dramatic. That’s usually Ruth’s thing. I think you’re giving yourself too much credit. For one, I know that you would get your ass beat for Ruth, no questions asked. Any of us would. And it’s not like she ran away screaming when you kissed her either, right?”

“N-no.”

“Exactly. When have you ever known Ruth to do something she didn’t want to do?”

Ellie smiled a little. “Never.”

“Exactly. Now, I don’t know what to tell you about Mason, but I think you need to take a page out of Ruth’s book and stop doing shit you don’t want to.”

Ellie nodded, and that was the end of their conversation. 

But then Ruth climbed in through the window and blew everything out of the water. After she left, Ellie was still reeling. 

_ Ruth likes me? _

Ellie tapped her fingers against her bottom lip, pacing around her room. Ruth liked her, and Ellie kissed her. She kissed her because she wanted to; because it was all she could think about. What did this all mean?

Her head snapped toward the bedroom door at the sound of loud voices downstairs. 

“Ellie, Mason’s here!” her dad shouted.

“Coming!” She found her flats, slipped them on, and looked at herself in the mirror one last time. She saw her ring sitting on the vanity, and she put it on her pinky before she opened the door. 

Mason was waiting downstairs, in his ill-fitting rented tux. They posed for some quick pictures, his hand tight on Ellie’s waist. Mason’s hand felt like a stranger’s. It made her feel lethargic and drunk.

She barely registered the ride to school, Mason chatting like everything was normal. Ellie resisted the urge to jump out of the moving car. 

Ellie heard the thrumming bass of loud music from outside the gym as she approached with Mason. There was a little table out front, and Mason handed over their tickets. Then, he grabbed her hand and threaded their fingers together. Ellie remembered holding Ruth’s hand in the dark of her bedroom, how well their fingers had fit together. She didn’t notice until then how much bigger Mason’s hands were than hers; her fingers were already starting to cramp. 

The gym itself was cheaply decorated in a red and silver color scheme, lights turned low with a mirror ball suspended from the ceiling. A sign hung next to the door that stated the prom theme; “Diamonds Are Forever.” The whole scene felt rather trite.

Mason’s friends were gathered near the back of the gym, speaking loudly and gesturing wildly as their dates sat on the bleachers near them. Mason waved and dragged Ellie reluctantly behind him. He deposited her near the other girls and joined his circle of friends. 

Ellie looked at the other girls and gave an awkward wave. “Um, hey, guys.”

They glanced at her, then turned back to their conversation like she never spoke.  _ Fucking stellar _ , Ellie thought, slumping to rest her chin on her hands. The music was so loud it turned muddy and barely discernible. Derry High School wasn’t big by any means, but most of the student body stood around in various formal wear, standing awkwardly near their dates or sitting in groups. Ellie felt more alone in that room full of people than she ever had in her life. 

Suddenly, someone slid next to her on the bleachers, slinging an arm around her shoulders. She jumped, but she was glad to see that it was just Beau with Beth not far behind him. 

“Thank god you’re here. We were worried we’d be stuck here alone in yuppieville.” Beau was wearing a plain black suit, his red curls wild as ever. Beth wore a long, dark blue dress with off the shoulder sleeves, looking more confident than Ellie had ever seen her. 

“You guys look amazing. Like, I feel a little intimidated,” she said, leaning into Beau’s side. Comfort washed over her for the first time that evening. 

Beth sat next to Beau, placing her head on his shoulder. “Are you going to Billie’s party after this?” she asked. 

Ellie looked down at her hands, twisting her ring around. “I dunno. I haven’t brought it up to Mason.” She looked over at him, where he still talked to his friends. Ellie’s stomach twisted. 

“You should come. We could give you a ride if Mason doesn’t want to go,” Beth said. 

Beau nodded. “Yeah, it’s gonna be super fun. We miss having you around.” He gently squeezed her shoulder to punctuate his point. 

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes. The image of Ruth sliding out of her window played in her mind like a projection. Ruth had tried to sound nonchalant earlier, but Ellie knew that she wanted her there. “I’ll think about it. We’ll see what Mason says.”

Beau gave her a sad smile, then leaned over to Beth. “Let’s go dance.” 

They made their way to the dance floor, laughing and smiling. Jealousy seeped through Ellie. She scooted closer to Mason, tugging at his jacket. He looked down at her. 

“Hey, do you want to go dance?”

“Not now, babe.”

Ellie felt a pang in her chest as she let go of his jacket and slid away. 

-

Mason didn’t dance with Ellie until over an hour later. She asked him three times, sitting on the bleachers and watching Beth and Beau spin around without a care in the world. She couldn’t help but think about Ruth’s words earlier.  _ You deserve so much better than him. _

_ Ruth would dance with me if she were here,  _ Ellie thought bitterly. 

But Mason’s friends eventually made their way to the floor with their own dates, so he turned to her and pulled her to dance. They were moving to the music in a way that was less dancing and more a rhythmic sway when Mason leaned down and whispered in her ear. 

“I’m getting bored. Let’s get out of here, yeah?”

Anxiety struck Ellie like lightning. “I heard a few parties are going on. We could do that?”

Mason chuckled, pulling Ellie flush against him. “Don’t be so coy, babe. You know what I mean.”

Ellie swallowed thickly. She knew this was coming, and yet everything in her body screamed at her to say something. Her traitorous mouth stayed shut. Mason took her silence as compliance, grabbing her wrist and walking them out of the gym. The evening air was cold enough to bring goosebumps to Ellie’s arms, but she barely felt it through the ocean of feelings rolling within her. 

They got in Mason’s car, Ellie still fearfully mute. “We can park near the Kissing Bridge. That’s where everyone goes, so no one will bother us.” 

Ellie just nodded. 

The drive was startlingly short. Ellie’s mind was filled with Ruth as Mason pulled out of the parking lot. She thought about them in the library bathroom, lying in bed with her, and kissing at the barrens. Ellie tried to think of Mason and what they were about to do, but it was all static. She couldn’t picture herself having sex with Mason. She couldn’t picture having sex with any man. She tried to will away the tightness in her throat, but it persisted. She was not going to cry before having sex.

Suddenly, Mason’s car lurched to a halt, parked in a clearing near the bridge. He turned off his headlights, which turned everything to inky blackness. Ellie was suddenly acutely aware of her breathing.

“Mas--” She was stopped with a squeak when Mason suddenly surged forward, kissing her harshly. One hand flew to her breast while the other ran down the curve of her waist. Ellie’s hands flew up in surprise, not sure whether to push him away or not. Mason seemed to notice, grabbing her wrists in one hand and pinning them to the seat above her head.

_ Oh god, I hate this, this was a mistake,  _ Ellie thought as her mind reeled. Mason pushed down the strap of her dress, moving his hand under the fabric to touch bare skin. Ellie made a noise of surprise, struggling against his hold on her wrists. 

“You like that, don’t you?” Mason asked, moving to kiss her neck. 

“Mason, I don’t know that I want to do this anymore,” Ellie managed to gasp out. 

He just chuckled against her neck. “You don’t need to be shy, babe. I’ve got you.” He reached behind her to pull down her dress’s zipper.

“I’ve changed my mind, I’m not ready,” Ellie insisted. 

Mason only tightened his grip on her wrists. “Come on, stop it. You said you’d do this, I don’t know why you’re trying to back out now.”

“Plea--”

“You were fine the other day, just chill out. I’m starting to get seriously pissed.” He pushed down the other strap of her dress, pulling down the front to expose her chest. Ellie felt her brain go fuzzy as she started giving up. She closed her eyes. 

_ You deserve so much better than him,  _ Ruth’s voice insisted from the back of her mind.  _ There are plenty of people out there who will love you for who you are, including me. You deserve so much better than him. _

Ellie’s eyes sprung open. 

_ I deserve so much better,  _ she thought.  _ I don’t have to put myself through this. Ruth said I deserve so much better.  _

Ellie pulled down and wrenched her wrists out of Mason’s grasp, pushing him away as hard as possible. “Mason, I said stop. I don’t want to do this anymore.” She surprised herself with how hard and solid her statement sounded. 

Mason did not like that at all. He set his jaw, letting out an angry exhale from his nose like a bull about to charge. “Ellie, I am sick and fucking tired of your wishy-washy bullshit. We agreed that we would do this tonight and that you would be fine. What’s your fucking problem?”

“I decided I don’t want to have sex tonight! I’m allowed to change my mind, Mason!” Ellie yelled, feeling a little hysterical. 

“Is it that Tozier bitch? Did she put you up to this? You know she’s trying to get in your pants, right?”

Ellie snapped. “You know what, I sure fucking hope she is because she actually gives a shit about me. She loves me, and she sure as hell made me feel more than you ever fucking will!”

Ellie couldn’t even catch her breath before Mason reached over and grabbed her by the face so hard that it made her jaw ache. “You take that back right the fuck now. No girlfriend of mine is gonna go around acting like some dy--” 

Ellie bit down on his hand before he finished, right on the web between his thumb and forefinger. She flung open the car door when he yanked his hand back with a yowl, the tangy taste of blood on her tongue. She tumbled out of the car before pulling herself to her feet. 

“You know what, fuck you! Fuck you, Mason! I am a big fat lesbian who’s in love with Ruth Tozier, and there’s nothing you can do about it! We’re done!”

Mason shouted something non-discernible, but Ellie was already running away from the car across the Kissing Bridge. She zipped her dress back up, gathering her skirt and booking it back to the high school. Ellie was thankful she opted against wearing heels. She didn’t hear Mason’s car behind her, but she kept her fast pace until she made it back to the gym. She sprinted past the front table and past the sign by the door. She squinted in the low light until she saw Beau and Beth swaying together on the edge of the dance floor. 

“Guys, I need a favor,” she asked, panting hard.

“Ellie, did you run here? What’s going on?” Beau asked, eyes knitted in concern. 

“I’ll explain everything in the car, but Mason and I are done. I left him.” The words felt strange coming from her mouth. It was a little thrilling. 

“Oh, honey, are you okay?” Beth asked, placing a comforting hand on Ellie’s shoulder. 

Ellie just laughed a little under her breath. “No, not really. I need to see Ruth. Can you take me to Billie’s party?”

Beau and Beth looked at each other for a moment before responding. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Ellie smiled and opened her mouth to thank them when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out to see a text from Mason. “Oh fuck, we have to go right now,” Ellie said, holding out her phone to show the message.

**Mason:** _ Tell your little girlfriend that I’m headed her way. _


	8. Buddy Holly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they drew closer, Ruth saw Ellie behind them. She pushed passed them, running up to Ruth. “Thank god you’re here. We need to talk.”
> 
> Ruth just blinked, taken aback. “Wait, what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this is the last chapter before the epilogue, which I will be posting as soon as it's done being edited. I really appreciate all of the support and love that you guys have been sending my way. With that, there are a couple of warnings. 
> 
> TW for: mentions of minors consuming alcohol (this chapter takes place at a party but none of our mains are drinking), mentions of abusive relationship, physical violence (Mason attacks Ruth but it is very quick and minor)
> 
> Thank you so much to my betas femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie. They are amazing and I would die for them. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for all of your support. This is a very important story to me and I'm so glad that other people care about it just as much as me.

_ What's with these homies dissin' my girl? _

_ Why do they gotta front? _

_ What did we ever do to these guys _

_ That made them so violent? _

_ Woo-hoo, but you know I'm yours _

_ Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine _

_ Woo-hoo, that's for all the time _

_ I look just like Buddy Holly _

_ And you're Mary Tyler Moore _

_ I don't care what they say about us anyway _

_ I don't care 'bout that _

_ \- Buddy Holly by Weezer _

“So, you never said how your talk went,” Samantha said, leaning against the wall next to Ruth. There was loud music playing, and their classmates filled the house. Ruth didn’t really speak to any of them, opting instead to sulk alone while nursing a soda. She knew there was beer around somewhere, but she wasn’t in the mood to be both drunk and upset. She would probably end up crying, and that wasn’t something she wanted to do in public.

“It was fine, I guess. Ellie didn’t really say much, which is fine. It’s all fine.” She took a sip of her drink, pointedly not looking at Sam. Instead, Ruth gestured toward Billie and Mackenzie, sitting on the loveseat at the other end of the room. “Do you think they’re gonna hook up tonight?”

“I’d be surprised if they didn’t.” Samantha looked over, nudging Ruth. “Also, stop changing the subject.”

“Come on, Sam. I put myself out there, and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I don’t know what else there is to say.” 

“Don’t be such a downer, that’s supposed to be my job.” Ruth couldn’t help but chuckle at that statement. Samantha smiled but quickly became stony-faced. “Oh god, don’t look now, but they’re actually going for it.” 

Ruth turned, and sure enough, Billie and Mackenzie were kissing like they got paid to do it. “Do you think they’re drunk?” she asked.

“Hard to say. I’m not even surprised.” Samantha grabbed Ruth’s cup, taking a sip before handing it back. “They are really going at it.”

“It’s the pining from afar,” Ruth said. 

Samantha looked at Ruth flatly. “Oh please, like you and Ellie aren’t fifty times worse.”

“Quit it. You aren’t gonna get me to talk about her.” Ruth stared at the crowd, exhausted. She felt so damn tired. She didn’t realize how tired she was until that night. Of course, she wanted Ellie to show up so they could joke around like nothing ever happened, but there was no such thing as normal anymore. It wouldn’t surprise her if she never heard from Ellie again. Was she still at prom, spinning around the gym in her pink dress? Did she leave with Mason already? Was she in the back of a car somewhere, his hands running all over her naked body? Ruth pushed the thought away, swallowing the lump in her throat. 

“Do you want me to get you another drink?” Samantha asked. 

Ruth knew that Samantha could tell how much she was struggling. “Yeah, thanks.”

Ruth watched Sam walk away while she picked at the edge of her sleeve. She did not want to be here anymore; she wanted to lay in bed until she was no longer tired.  _ Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen,  _ she thought, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Suddenly, she heard a commotion from the foyer, so she turned to look. To Ruth’s surprise, it was Beau and Beth, still dressed in their prom clothes. They were frantic as they searched the crowd. Ruth, confused, raised her hand and waved, hoping they’d see her. Once Beau and Beth noticed Ruth, they pushed their way over. 

As they drew closer, Ruth saw Ellie behind them. She pushed passed them, running up to Ruth. “Thank god you’re here. We need to talk.”

Ruth just blinked, taken aback. “Wait, what?”

Ellie didn’t respond as she grabbed Ruth’s wrist and pulled her to the bathroom. She locked the door behind them, turning to face Ruth. “I need to talk to you.”

Ruth sat on the edge of the bathtub, scratching the back of her neck. “I mean, this is awfully dramatic if you’re just going to reject me. You could have just sent a text or something.”

“Ruth, just stop.” 

Ruth looked at Ellie. She was still in her prom dress, but it was significantly more wrinkled than earlier. Was that a mud stain on the bottom? Her hair was started coming undone, framing her face in flyaway strands. She looked… scared? Distressed? Ruth became deeply concerned. “El, what happened?”

Ellie crossed her arms and looked at the ceiling, closing her eyes. “I left him.”

Silence stretched on for an eternity. “You left him?”

“I left him.” Ellie opened her eyes again. “I realized that you were right; I was stupid all of this time. I know you said that I deserve better, and that’s great and all,” she paused as a few tears slipped down her cheeks, but she wiped them away. “I don’t just want better, I want to deserve  _ you _ . I was so damn scared because I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you. You’re wonderful, and selfless, and so funny and sweet at the same time that I can’t handle it. You’re the most beautiful human I’ve ever known, and I’m so scared of hurting yo--” 

Ruth doesn’t even let Ellie finish her sentence before she’s surging forward, grabbing her face and kissing her. Ellie doesn’t even hesitate before she kisses back harder, placing her hands on Ruth’s cheeks. Ellie was still crying, and Ruth suspected that she might start herself. The light in the bathroom was dim, and the music from the party muffled through the door. 

It was the most perfect kiss that Ruth could imagine. She eventually pulled away and wrapped her arms around Ellie tightly, pulling her close. Ellie embraces her willingly, clinging to the back of Ruth’s shirt like a lifeline. 

“You never hurt me. The closest thing I can think of is watching how that dumbass treated you. And come on, I can’t be that special.” 

Ellie laughed at that, pressing her forehead in Ruth’s neck. “You are that special. You’re the most special person ever.”

Ruth pressed her nose to Ellie’s hair. She seriously started fearing that her heart would burst out of her chest and bleed all over the floor. “All you’re doing is inflating my ego here, El. I’m gonna be insufferable for the rest of my life now.” 

“Don’t care,” Ellie mumbled, pulling back and kissing Ruth’s cheek. Ruth hummed, leaning into the touch. 

Suddenly, the volume on the other side of the door grew louder. Ruth heard people moving around and yelling. 

“What the hell is going on out there?” Ruth asked, moving to the door to listen. 

“Oh fuck,” Ellie whispered. “I think Mason figured out which party we’re at. We have to go.”

“What are you talking about?”

“God, I’m so sorry.” Ellie pressed her ear to the door, listening carefully. “I might have mentioned that I was a lesbian and that I was leaving him for you? And then he got super mad and made some threats, but I didn’t think he was serious!” Ellie’s breathing quickened, so Ruth pulled her away from the door to face each other. 

“Okay, we just need to think. Maybe we can sneak out? There are enough people here, so maybe he won’t notice us?”

Ellie looked skeptical, but she took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. I don’t have any better ideas.” 

Ruth grinned and quickly kissed her cheek. “Let’s go.”

She slowly opened the door, looking around. Sure enough, Mason was yelling in the other room. She grabbed Ellie’s hand and edged along the wall. If they were quick and quiet enough, they could slip out the front door without anyone noticing. 

However, it was easier said than done.

Suddenly, Mason swiveled, looking directly at Ruth and Ellie. Ellie froze, clenching Ruth’s hand tight enough to sting. 

“Oh fuck,” Ruth whispered. 

Mason pushed his way over to them, a furious expression on his face. “This isn’t fucking funny, Ellie.” He grabbed Ellie’s wrist. Ellie made a noise of protest, but she was still frozen in fear. “I don’t know what the fuck is your problem, but this ends now.”

Ruth’s fight or flight kicked in, and she pushed Mason away from Ellie as hard as she could. “Dude, fucking stop. She broke up with you, let it go.” 

Mason turned to Ruth faster than she could imagine. He pressed her against the wall and wrapped his hands around her throat. Ruth immediately tried to force air out, lungs wheezing. Ellie yelled something Ruth couldn’t make out, but Mason shoved her away like it was nothing. Ruth scrambled to pull Mason’s hands away, but he was much stronger than she was. She wasn’t even this scared when she fought Bowers.

Everything moved slowly.

Suddenly, a fist came out of nowhere, knocking Mason down. She slipped to the floor, gasping to breathe. Air rushed into her lungs, and she gulped it down gratefully. Ruth looked up and saw Beau move between her and Mason, fist clenched and starting to bruise.

“Stay the fuck away from my friends, asshole,” Beau said, his tone harder than Ruth had ever heard before. Beth and Samantha flanked his sides with serious facial expressions.

Ellie rushed over to Ruth, immediately inspecting her throat. “Oh god, I’m so fucking sorry. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Come on,” Ellie said, helping Ruth to her feet. Then, Ellie turned to Mason with anger burning in her eyes. “What the actual fuck is your problem? No, I would really like to know.” Mason gaped at her, surprised at how angry she was. “You don’t respect me when I tell you that we’re done, you follow me around, and then you hurt the people I care about? I should call the cops on you, or at the very least, hurt you myself! I swear to god Mason that if you so much as breathe in my direction after this, I will make your life a living hell.” Her chest rose and fell rapidly with her aggravated breathing. Ruth slipped her hand into Ellie’s, threading their fingers together. 

“I think you should leave, Mason,” Sam said pointedly. 

Mason looked at the group in shock. He looked like he wanted to say something, but nothing left his mouth. He eventually clenched his fists and stalked to the door, shutting it behind himself with a bang. 

“A-alright, everyone o-out!” Billie suddenly yelled from the other side of the room. She stood on the coffee table with Mackenzie as they waved their arms.

“You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here,” Mackenzie added, her hands cupped around her mouth. Everyone around them grumbled, but they eventually made their way out the door. Ruth led Ellie to the couch, wrapping her arms around her tightly. Ellie reciprocated willingly, resting her head in the crook of Ruth’s neck. 

“Are you okay?” Ruth whispered. 

Ellie hesitated for a moment. “Not really, but I’m getting better. It’s just been a tough night.”

“Do you want to go home? I can drive you if you want.” 

Ellie shook her head. “No, I’m okay. I don’t really want to be alone right now, y’know.”

Ruth hugged her tighter. “I can accommodate that.”

Samantha flopped down on Ruth’s other side. Ruth and Ellie broke apart, allowing Sam to place an arm around Ruth’s shoulders. “So, you guys had an interesting night, huh?”

“I guess you could say that,” Ellie responded, flopping against the couch. She grabbed Ruth’s hand again. 

Ruth was never going to get tired of that feeling. 

The other losers surrounded them, sitting on the floor or on other furniture. 

“Do you g-guys w-want to spend the night? I’m gonna need s-someone to help c-clean t-tomorrow,” Billie said, stacking a couple of cups on the coffee table. 

“That would be great!” Beth said, helping her. 

“Yeah, I miss hanging out with all of us together,” Ellie said quietly. 

Mackenzie leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “So, what exactly happened? Everything was fine, and then suddenly, Mason was in here causing a scene?” 

Ellie clutched Ruth’s hand tighter. “I dumped him, and he got pissed. I also might have yelled that I’m a lesbian, then I ran out of his car,” She said it so casually that Ruth couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Dude, are you serious?” Billie asked.

“Obviously, otherwise, he wouldn’t have shown up like some kind of fucking stalker.”

“Well, we can’t say that we’re super disappointed that he’s gone,” Beth replied, getting up to throw away a stack of cups. 

“I can’t say that I am either,” Ellie said, snuggling closer to Ruth. Ruth rested her cheek against the top of her head. 

“So, does that mean that you two are done being dumb now?” Samantha asked. 

Ruth gaped in mock hurt, fighting back a chuckle rising in her throat. She looked at Ellie, who gazed at her with the softest look Ruth had seen in a long time. It made her heart swell so fast that it was almost scary. “We’re getting there,” Ruth said, surprised at her mushy voice. “Hey, how come you aren’t interrogating them,” she said, gesturing to Billie and Mackenzie. They blushed furiously.

The conversation devolved from there. Ruth was the happiest that she had been in a long time, surrounded by her friends, laughing about everything and nothing at the same time. She finally had Ellie, and they would graduate soon. Everything was going well, for once. 

“Hey, are you okay? You’ve been kind of quiet,” Ellie whispered so only Ruth could hear. 

Ruth just kissed the top of her head. “Never been better.” 


	9. Put Me Back Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruth chuckled and pulled out the envelope from the inside of her jacket. “You ready?”
> 
> Ellie grabbed her own and nodded. “On three. One… Two…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last chapter/epilogue, folks. Writing this fic has been such an incredible journey. It's been really cathartic in a way, to write someone go through so much and to be able to come out of it on the other side. Also, like Ruth, I am a huge Weezer fan, so I got to include my favorite band into this story. Thank you all so much for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed this story just as much as I have. 
> 
> Also, you might have noticed that this fic is going to be part of a series! I'm going to try and start posting for the next part here soon, which takes place at college! It's gonna deal with a lot of the fall out of Ellie's relationship with Mason and how it's affected them both, so lots more angst. 
> 
> Thank you a million times over to my beta readers femmereddie, bellarose_writes, and momochannie. If it weren't for their encouragement and love of this story it probably would have remained unfinished forever. Please go check them out and give them some love. 
> 
> Please leave kudos and a comment if you liked this fic, and stick around for the next part coming here soon!

_ It's cold outside _

_ Is there someone there tonight? _

_ It's cold outside _

_ Would you let me come inside and make it right? _

_ Here it's clear _

_ That I'm not getting better _

_ When I fall down _

_ You put me back together _

_ \- Put Me Back Together by Weezer _

Ellie paced around her room, gnawing on her thumbnail. The letter from UCLA sat on her desk, taunting her. Ruth would show up any moment now with her own letter, and they would open them together. 

Prom was about a month ago, and Ellie and Ruth were dating now. They hung out all the time with the losers and by themselves. Really the only difference now was that they kissed. They hadn’t really talked much about their relationship upgrade, and Ellie supposed that was mostly her fault. While she loved not holding herself back around Ruth anymore, she still had some issues, namely related to Mason. She hadn’t even told Ruth what happened during prom night. She struggled to even think about it.

There were times where Ellie went about her day, and then memories flashed through her mind. Recently, Ruth gently grabbed her wrist to get her attention, and suddenly, Ellie jumped away, heart beating out of her chest. Whenever she saw Mason, Ellie ran to the bathroom to calm herself down before going to class. She felt like someone was constantly watching her, the back of her neck always tingling. 

Ellie couldn’t sleep, either. She would lay awake at night, staring at the shadows pooling on her ceiling. 

Despite everything, she was incredibly thankful for Ruth. Ellie kept expecting the other shoe to drop, but it hadn’t. Ruth seemed determined not to let the shoe drop in the first place. Whenever Ellie hid in the bathroom, Ruth followed her to make sure she was okay. Ruth was unfazed by Ellie’s random moments of fight or flight. She just pulled her close and comforted her. Ruth climbed through Ellie’s window most nights, and they would lay in bed, talking until Ellie fell asleep. 

Ellie wasn’t even sure if she deserved Ruth, but she tried. She couldn’t stop herself from holding Ruth’s hand as they walked down the halls or sat together at lunch. When they were alone, Ellie held her as close as she could. She kissed Ruth’s cheeks, lips, or jaw like she would lose the chance someday. Ellie may not find the words to talk about what Mason did or how she cared for Ruth, but she could damn well try to show it. Each kiss and touch communicated what she couldn’t say out loud:  _ I care about you so much it physically hurts me; I am so lucky to hold you; I’m so sorry that I’m broken, but thank you so much for sticking around.  _

Ellie wanted so badly to get into UCLA together. She could see it so clearly—lying on the beach, lounging in their dorm room, and visiting the other losers. Now that Ellie knew how great life could be, she was drunk on it. Greedy, even. 

A familiar knock drew Ellie out of her thoughts. She saw Ruth crouched outside her window, waving and grinning like an idiot. 

Ellie’s heart swelled. “Did you remember the letter?” she asked, letting Ruth in. 

Ruth clambered inside and kissed Ellie’s cheek. “No, it was stolen by bandits on my way here. Of course, I brought it, Ellie, baby.” 

Ellie swatted Ruth’s arm, trying to hide her grin. 

Ruth chuckled and pulled out the envelope from the inside of her jacket. “You ready?”

Ellie grabbed her own and nodded. “On three. One… Two…” 

They both ripped their envelopes, the sound of shredding paper filled the room. Ellie unfolded her letter and held the paper under the light. 

_ Dear Eleanor, _

_ Congratulations! It is our great pleasure to offer you admission to UCLA for the Fall Quarter-- _

Ellie gasped and pressed a hand to her mouth. She got in. She made it.

She looked up to see Ruth staring at her own paper with wide eyes. She looked up at Ellie and whispered, “I got in.” She sounded like she didn’t quite believe it. 

Tears of joy prickled at Ellie’s eyes. “Me too. I got in, too.”

“Really? We both got in?” Ruth sounded like she was scared to be excited. 

Ellie rushed forward, crushing her in a hug. “We did. We’re getting out of here.”

Ruth returned the embrace, laughing under her breath. “We really are. God, we’re going to California.” 

They stood like that for a while. 

“Hey, I have something for you, kind of like a yay-we-got-into-college gift,” Ruth said, pulling away to rummage through her jacket pocket. She pulled out a plastic rectangle, pressing it into Ellie’s hand. “Do you remember that morning when I said Weezer has a song for every occasion, and you said you’d believe it when you saw it?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, here you are.”

Ellie looked down at the box in her hand, finally recognizing it as a tape. The cover had  _ Heart Songs _ written in bubble letters, surrounded by colorful doodles. Ellie turned it over to see the list of songs.

_ 1\. California Snow  by Weezer _

_ 2\. El Scorcho  by Weezer _

3\. QB Blitz  by Weezer

4\. Jacked Up  by Weezer

5\. Perfect Situation  by Weezer

6\. I Don’t Wanna Let You Go by Weezer

7\. The World Has Turned And Left Me Here  by Weezer

8\. Buddy Holly  by Weezer

9\. Put Me Back Together  by Weezer

10\. Heart Songs  by Weezer

“Is this only Weezer?” Ellie asked, failing to hide her smile.

“Yeah, of course. A Weezer song for every occasion.” Ruth rubbed the back of her neck, looking down at the floor. “I figured we could listen to it on the way to California.”

Ellie ran her finger along the edge of the plastic before placing it on her vanity. Suddenly, she felt hot. “I’d love that.”

Ruth looked up. “Yeah?”

“Of course.” 

Ellie moved closer and kissed Ruth, placing her hand on the back of Ruth’s neck, tugging her down. Ruth hummed, rubbing circles on Ellie’s face with her thumb. They moved toward the bed, Ruth’s knees hitting the mattress’s edge. Ellie stood between Ruth’s legs, gently pushing her bangs back as her hair fell around their heads like a curtain. Ruth tilted her head up like she was basking in the sun, pulling Ellie’s bottom lip between her teeth. Ellie moaned quietly, heat pooling in her belly. 

Ellie was always surprised by how much she wanted Ruth. She would catch herself staring at Ruth’s lips during the day, the memory burning into her skin. She would reach out to touch the inside of Ruth’s wrist, delighted with how soft it was. Ellie craved Ruth’s touch in a way that she never thought she would. It was distracting, but amazing, all at once. It made her feel alive. 

Ruth migrated to press searing kisses under Ellie’s jaw, trailing down her throat. Her windpipe constricted, breath hitching. She gripped Ruth’s shoulders tight in her hands. 

“Is this okay? ” Ruth asked, pulling back to look Ellie in the eye. 

Ellie audibly swallowed, nodding. “Yeah.” She pressed a lingering kiss to Ruth’s forehead. “Can we just do this, though?”

“Of course, El.”

“Sorry, I’m not really rea--”

“Hey.” Ruth kissed the skin under Ellie’s jaw. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. We should both feel comfortable, okay?” 

Ellie hesitated a moment, but she nodded. She pressed her face on the top of Ruth’s head, winding her fingers in Ruth’s dark hair, breathing in her shampoo’s scent. Ruth kept kissing Ellie’s neck, her tongue running gently across the sensitive skin, a sound escaping from Ellie’s lips as her legs shook. Ruth nosed at Ellie’s shirt collar, moving the fabric to expose her collarbone. The kiss turned wet and messy as Ruth’s mouth latched on to the bone’s protruding curve.

“Is this alright?” Ruth asked quietly, voice husky. 

Ellie gripped Ruth’s hair between her fingers as Ruth pressed her face into the crook of Ellie’s neck. “God,  _ please, _ ” Ellie whispered, voice growing desperate. 

Ruth wasted no time, latching on to Ellie’s collarbone with her teeth, sucking as hard as possible. Ellie keened, pressing herself impossibly closer. It stung, but not enough to actually hurt, just enough to make Ellie’s knees weak. 

Ruth relented, placing gentle kisses on the bite as an apology. Ellie carded her fingers through Ruth’s hair, who sighed and rested her cheek against Ellie’s stomach. 

“That’s gonna leave a mark.”

Ellie chuckled. “Isn’t that kind of the point?”

Ruth wrapped her arms around Ellie, twisting to pull them onto the bed, where they lay entangled. Ruth moved Ellie’s shirt collar aside, gently touching the bruise. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bite you that hard. It’s gonna get pretty dark.”

“I don’t mind.” A furious blush rose to Ellie’s cheeks. “I liked it a lot, actually.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She snuggled closer, resting her head under Ruth’s chin. “I want you to know that you make me feel really safe and happy. I know that I've got a lot of stuff, more than I want to think about right now, but I promise I’m trying to get over it.”

Ruth is uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. “You don’t have to go through it alone, y’know. I’m here because I want to be with you, even if you have stuff.”

Ellie is quiet for a long time. “I really, really want to believe you.”

“You can, I promise.” Ruth squeezed her tighter. “Things will get easier. We’ll get out of this stupid little town. We’ll get away from Mason, and Bowers, and anyone else who’s made our lives hard. We’ll heal how we need to, and we’ll do it together. How does that sound?”

Ellie thought about her hopeful visions from earlier; they felt more real with each passing second. Moving into a tiny dorm together, finding their own apartment, having friends over, walking down the street hand-in-hand without fear. Feeling so far from Mason and her father and all of Derry that it was barely a blip in her rearview mirror. It all felt so real and wonderful. 

She wanted it more than anything. She wanted it with Ruth, by each other’s side every step of the way. 

Ellie smiled. “That sounds perfect to me.” 

-

_ Don't you worry for too long cause you know these are the songs _

_ These are my heart songs _

_ They never feel wrong _

_ And when I wake for goodness sake _

_ These are the songs I keep singin' _

_ \- Heart Songs by Weezer _

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr and twitter at reddieonwheels


End file.
